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Comment by Meg Alton on June 7, 2015 at 11:00pm

Thank you, Nancy and Charity! That really means a lot! Phew! I'm NOT crazy!!!

Comment by Leila on June 6, 2015 at 5:04pm

Hi Meg,
I am new here also. My mom passed on April 18th from meastatic melanoma. She was diagnosed February 2nd then 2 1/2 months later she was gone. I was her caregiver during her illness, but stayed in a state of denial that she was actually dying intil I watched her take her last breath. I am still reeling. The grief is overwhelming. I break into tears randomly throughout the day. I am fine one minute then weeping the next, never knowing when or where it will happen. I have a loving husband who does his best to be supportive, but he isn't close to his mother, so I don't think he understands. My mother and I were best friends. We lived just 2 blocks apart and spent a great deal of time together. There is a huge hole in my heart that only she can fill. I don't believe the permanency of her death has fully hit me yet. I am afraid of what will happen when it does.
I send my deepest condolences on the loss of your sweet mother. I am sad there are so many of us going through this terrible pain, but thankful that at least we can be there for one another.

Comment by charity wolf on June 6, 2015 at 9:04am

Hi Meg;)

My Mama died in January and yes, I feel as you do. I also saw her take her last beautiful breath. The reality of loss gets more and more real everyday, for me. How can we not feel deep sadness when our Mamas die? I just try to feel every feeling and know that this is the most painful time of my life. Grief changes everything. Be gentle with yourself, take lots of rest, and get the support you need. I feel like a crazy zombie a lot of the time!  heart broken with you......hug

Comment by Meg Alton on June 6, 2015 at 1:53am

Hello everyone! I'm new to this, but very thankful for this support group. Okay so here goes: My mom died just about three months ago and I am overwhelmed with what I'm trying to process. Just going about my day, meeting friends, going to work, running errands, all the usual, normal stuff I do and have always done is now completely overshadowed by an overarching sadness I have. I miss my mom greatly, and while I am grateful for the time we had, the void I feel is unreal. Sometimes- even though I witnessed her take her very last breath- it seems like a dream. So all of this is very difficult to navigate (I've lost all my grandparents before, but this is so different). Does anyone else feel this way? You probably do, but I am so new to this, I figure I'd rather ask and know rather than not ask and not know. Thanks for your time, and thanks for letting me be part of the group!

Comment by Kim L S on June 4, 2015 at 1:00am

Dear mom , I am wishing I could hold your hand again. It does not seem real .You were just here in our home where we live together and then gone.I have the hospital bed still in your room and all the other daily things from the red cross there .I have not found it in myself too remove anything from your room.May the 9 my world stopped in its tracks! How does one carry on,when I seem to have nothing that makes these dimples you gave me want to show them off,just a frawn:-(.

I miss you,I love you! I wish at times that I was with you and dad.I know you both want me to carry on and be the best that I can be and have a wonderful life but!!!!

I can not seem to just find 1 bit of in happyness in life right now.Bella and Boomer & the big guy they are the only things keeping me here.

It was so hard saying good bye to you and you know I never liked saying that,it was always see you soon mom.I do look forward to the time that I will meet with you and dad again,oh the hugs!I feel so lost without my best friend my mother.. I love you mom!! 

Your baby Kimberly

Comment by Leila on June 2, 2015 at 11:15pm

Oh Debra,
I buried my mom the day your mother passed away. I can relate to everything you have said! I feel like you summed up so many of my emotions, pain, and fears in your paragraph.
The what-ifs haunt me constantly. I'm an RN, but I couldn't heal my sweet mother! I keep thinking of how I should have noticed signs of her cancer earlier or sought out different treatments for her. I was her caregiver the last 10 weeks of her life. She called me her protector. I failed her completely. I am the worst daughter in the world. I did everything wrong.
My mother was my anchor in every storm. Her love was my safe harbor. She was my best friend. Everything I did, in the end, came back to my mom, if would it make her happy or proud. If I made a great meal, I couldn't wait to share it with her or discuss the recipe. If I created something crafty it ended up on her display shelves, which pleased me greatly, even at the age of 52. When something was going on with me, the children, or my mom, we were always there for each other. My mom made every holiday and birthday special. She was love and sunshine. She was perfect every day. We shared so many moments that seemed to be little things at the time, but I miss sharing those little things every moment of each day. Nobody will selflessly and unconditionally love me the way she did ever again.
I want her back so badly. There is a cloud over me and a weight on my heart that never leaves. The world around me looks the same as it did before, but it's like I've moved into a dystopian dimension that is a shadow of the world that existed before Mom had to leave. I'm also dreading the holiday season. I know I should still rejoice the birth of Our Lord. After all, Mom is there with him and no longer suffering, but honestly I think I'll break into sobs if I hear even one Christmas song. I want to run away or move to a far away place, but I realize that I'm running from the loss, trauma, terror, pain, and despair I am feeling. I couldn't escape that even if I possessed the energy to try.
I'm thankful beyond words for my husband and children, but in a matter of days my children will return to their lives (they are grown and live out of state). My nest is empty and my husband owns a company that takes up 16 hours a day of his time. My mother and I used to fill that time with lunches and dinners out, long talks, game nights, and movie nights. I'm terrified of the day the our children return home, but it is healthy and normal for them to do that, so I can't let them see my fear.
I feel lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't worked outside the home in years, and have no desire to do so. Caring for family has been my entire life. Before Mom got sick I did quite a bit of volunteer work and crafting. Then my mom became ill and she became whole world. I don't have the heart for the things I used to enjoy anymore. It also feels like if I ever enjoy something again then I'm betraying my mom. People say my mother wouldn't want that for me, but for some reason I don't find it helpful.
I'm sorry this turned into such a run-on post. I'm thankful for this community of kind, understanding people. I'm sad for the reason that brought us together, but at least we have each other for support so we know we're not going crazy.

Comment by Leila on June 2, 2015 at 4:42pm

I am sending up prayers for you, Kim. I also talk to my mom aloud all the time when I'm alone. It is a small comfort for me to believe she can hear me, even though my counselor assures me she cannot. Just yesterday in the supermarket I saw a seafood recipe I knew my mom would love, and enthusiastically picked it up for her before I remembered she was gone. At that point I started crying (again). I have no words of wisdom. I know there is no way to take this pain away from you. How can our lives ever be as joyful or as full as they were before we lost our sweet mothers? Please know that I am thinking of you and sending hugs your way. I wish I could do more.

Comment by Kim Mallonn on June 2, 2015 at 12:07pm

525,600 minutes...that's a year. Today it has been a year since my mom passed away. A friend told me that it doesn't get easier - only more distant. Today, I am undone. I can't keep it together; the grief is as pressing and raw as the day it happened. Every day, in a thousand ways, I miss her. I still reach for the phone when something happens that I want to tell her. I know people think I am crazy, but I still talk to her (out loud when I am by myself). But I have to believe that she can hear me. I have to. 

Comment by Debra on June 2, 2015 at 11:38am

I am 43, and I lost my mom suddenly on May 8, 2015. It was just 2 days before Mother's Day and 2 weeks before her 68th birthday. When I was 20, I lost my dad just before Father's Day on June 12, 1992 (anniv date in just 10 days). I am just taking it moment by moment right now as day by day is just too overwhelming. Losing someone I cherish and love with every fiber of my being has been horrific, and I constantly struggle with the "what ifs, what nows, whys, how's, if onlys". I quickly find myself being consumed with grief and despair. I am struggling with not having been able to say goodbye or I love you one last time. I live in Virginia, and my mom was in Florida. I was going to FL on Mother's Day to surprise her; she never knew. I can't change things, but I keep thinking what if I had told her I was coming? What if I hadn't waited for Mother's Day? Thinking of the future without my mom feels like being blindfolded and forced to navigate a large ship through a mine field! I have spent 43 straight Christmases with my mom, and I dread my first without her physically there. I can very easily go into very dark places in my head and truly have no desire to go on, but I know, with all my heart, that my mom (and dad) would never want that for me. So, I try my best during the roughest times to remember the good and use the skills my mom taught me about courage, strength etc. Know you are not alone in your pain, and your mom's love and strength are always with you!

Comment by charity wolf on June 2, 2015 at 8:55am

Hi everyone:)  Loosing a Mother is heart breaking. My Mama died of a rare brain disease that she suffered from for a long while. The trauma surrounding her death is very rough for me. Not having her here has changed my whole world. Please know that I care and feel your pain, very deeply. We are all connected and we are all grieving...be gentle with your heart right now and lots of tender self care. We are loved...

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