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Comment by Margie S. on December 13, 2015 at 10:41am

Charity, thank you for sharing it with us.  It is very inspirational.  You wrote from your heart.  When you said, "How long it will take me to put myself together", I told myself, "That is exactly what I have been asking myself."  I am not the same.  I also have a big hole in my heart.  It is very hard.

Comment by charity wolf on December 13, 2015 at 10:14am

My Mama flew away eleven months ago. I am healing...this is the hardest part of being human, death. We grieve our lives, our memories, our love. All I know is that this path is sacred and our tears our a sign that love is present. Cry me a river...love to you all. Here is something I wrote 2 days ago:

How do I put into words my profound feelings of grief. I no longer have a ground to walk on. I cannot show you love in all the ways I did before. I  don't know who I am anymore without you. You gave me life...You were always going to be here for me. What happened? Did you know all along that you would be leaving so soon? If only that brought me more comfort, to know it was your soul plan. I am not there yet. My humanity is split into a million painful pieces. How long will it take me to put myself back together again? In so many ways. Mama, you were my reason to get up every morning. I had a plan to show you love, to help you be happy. It was what I was good at. Loving you was what I was good at. Even then, I felt invisible. But at least I had you to cling to. We were healing together Mama. I wanted more time for healing with you. I feel like I have spent all my life just trying to catch up. There has been so much trauma and pain and yet I still try to be okay. We all do. Now you are gone and have left a huge hole in my heart. I didn't need anymore pain Mama. I didn't need anymore suffering. I thought life was bringing us peace. All our talks about prosperity and peace. I truly thought that you were going to be able to relax for once. You have had a crazy hard life. I felt it was your turn for peace. Maybe that is why you left? You finally are at peace....It is me that hurts now. You are finally at peace....oh Mama, you deserve peace...

Comment by Margie S. on December 13, 2015 at 12:34am

Yes, this is my first Christmas without mom.  I can't stop thinking about her and crying.  I can't stop thinking about the day she passed away.  I can't stop thinking about the day I saw her in bed dead.  I kissed her many, many times.  I hugged her very, very tight and didn't want the funeral home people take her body away from me. It was October the 8th. After her death I had a lot of dreams about her. I want her with me.  This is going to be a sad Christmas for me.  

Comment by Leila on December 12, 2015 at 11:38pm

I am reading y'all's posts and feeling your pain. For many of us it is our first holiday season without our mom. We are grieving and trying to forge forward to make things cheery for our loved ones simultaneously.
My mom had to leave this earth almost 8 months ago. People pretty much expect the mourning period to be over. Some days I feel like things are normalizing and I am gradually accepting this new reality. Other days I cry and desperately yearn for my mom. I was buying some holiday cards last week and broke into tears when I passed the 'mother' section.
I feel like I'm trying my best. I still go to counseling. I start and end each day with prayer and positive affirmations. I treasure my family and friends more than ever. I am working on a gratitude journal, participating in volunteer work, hobbies, traveling, and activities with loved ones. I planned the Thanksgiving meal alone for the first time in my adult life and made the day happy for my family. I will do the same for Christmas. I am so very thankful for my family and realize that their support makes it easier for me. It feels odd to suddenly take my moms place in the matriarch role.
I still haven't been able to deal with the pain of going through my mom's things. Her room is still a shrine to her, exactly the way she left it the day she went to the hospital, never to return home. Her favorite pajamas are laid out on the bed just as she left them.
I have such conflicting emotions. Sometimes I'm happy and other times in tears. But not an hour goes by that I don't think of my mom. The world feels strange without my mom in it.
Sending hugs to y'all and hoping we can find moments of comfort with our loved ones.

Comment by valerie cox on December 12, 2015 at 9:23am

It is rough. i just keep hanging on to god for help.

Comment by Margie S. on December 11, 2015 at 7:29pm

Megan, I am feeling like you.  It is hard to know that she is not here. Seeing the Christmas decorations make me sad.  Knowing that I can't go to visit her and give her the gifts make me cry.  I want to have my mom with me.  I want to see her dancing for me.  She was adorable.  I miss her so much.

Comment by Megan on December 11, 2015 at 5:58am

I didn't anticipate how difficult the holiday season would be. I am finding it very rough. It is hard to believe she is gone.

Comment by valerie cox on December 8, 2015 at 6:17pm

I know Margie, i keep calling my brother and telling him i cant do it anymore either. I am not the same either, and i dont find much to laugh about, her and i would laugh alot. But we have to keep trying, i know how it feels when you feel like you cant do it anymore. But we have to keep trying, thats when it has to be an hour at a time or a min.

Comment by Margie S. on December 8, 2015 at 12:41pm

I don't laugh like I did when my mom was here.   More sadness than happiness right now.  My heart is too hurt to laugh like I did in the past when I was with mom.  I just can't do it anymore. I miss my mom too much.  I have changed.

Comment by valerie cox on December 8, 2015 at 11:30am

Ecclesiastes 7:4

“The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.” 

King James Version (KJV)

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