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Comment by M Adams on January 31, 2019 at 6:02pm

Why in the world am I crying, guess it’s just my thing now...thank you so much, Avi and Brett, for your kind words about my mother, they are appreciated.  Kind of a strange impulse to put her picture there, but glad now that I did.  

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 31, 2019 at 5:44pm

Avi, I go through those emotion every day.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 31, 2019 at 5:44pm

Your mom is lovely. I love her already.

Comment by Avi on January 31, 2019 at 1:26pm

Such a lovely smile adams. Thanks for sharing. 

I was travelling for the last 10 days and just got relax today. In the last 10 days, I tried really hard to feel normal and enjoy, got success to some extent and failed on many occasions. 

Comment by M Adams on January 31, 2019 at 11:44am

Came across this picture of my mother and thought I could share it here.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 18, 2019 at 4:27pm

I agree with all of that. I didn't expect a reward. My mom was reward enough, but I am not the same person that I once was. And I thought that some kind of balance would occur. I can't explain that really. It's been defeating. As soon as I wake up in the morning I remember that mom is gone, my dog is elderly and blind, etc. I just don't understand. I just always have this hope that something is around the corner. And I do try. I don't sit around waiting for something good to happen, but I feel like it's beaten dog syndrome. I am used to bad things happening now. That's not a fun way to live. But I do have faith in God, and I hope and pray that he is walking with me on this journey.

Comment by M Adams on January 18, 2019 at 2:53pm

After my husband’s death, and now after losing my mother, I also found myself somehow imagining that, not so much that something good would happen, more that some kind of reward would come to me, something to balance off the pain and compensate for all the sacrifices that come with loving and caring for someone with health issues.  Strange because I would also say that I never expected any kind of compensation and would get angry when people praised me for being a “caregiver” — I felt that to be an insult to my mother, and to my husband, and to the kind of relationships that we had.  Given all that it was quite a shock to recognize this hope for “something good” in me, because I definitely don’t believe that there is a personal deity watching me and rewarding my good actions.  Nor have I noticed that those around me in the world are disposed to be fair minded in terms of recognizing good deeds or sacrifices.  More the opposite, actually.  Still, I suddenly realized that on some level I was expecting something, at least some recognition of how “good” I have been ...however, like Brett, in the years since my beloved husband died, and now in the months without my sweet mother, I have lost steadily in every sphere of life.  Personal, professional, creative, domestic, emotional, whatever.  The demands on me now, the bleak future that is being mapped out for me, really make me feel hopeless.  I guess the only good thing in my situation is that I don’t believe that a deity is doing this to me for some punitive or corrective reason, any more than I believe that a deity wanted to take my mother away from me, or deprive me of my husband — such beliefs would make it even worse for me.  

Comment by Theresa on January 18, 2019 at 7:53am

Well, Brett, one day we all shall see, I have many many questions, but no one to answer them.

My heart still aches everyday, I still cry, but no one understands why, they have no clue....

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 17, 2019 at 10:12pm

There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma would be looking out for me. The past three years without my mom has been horrible, one bad things after another. I don't understand. And while it hasn't challenged my faith in God, it has made me realize that I do not understand how God works. I just can't believe that after a 12 year battle with my mom's health, and all of the fear and trauma that came with it, that God would say, "Now I'm really going to kick his tail." It doesn't make sense. I am told that God loves us so much that he is sad when we are sad. I could make a list of setbacks that have occurred since my mom died. It just doesn't stop. The faith in me makes me believe that there is a reason for all of this. I just don't know what that reason is.

Comment by Avi on January 16, 2019 at 12:45am

Thanks M adams and Brett. Will wait for that time when I get over the guilt. 

Starting my day with positive today. 

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