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Comment by Theresa on March 17, 2017 at 5:33am

She might be because she is worried about you, pray to God that she crosses over peacefully and tell him you will be fine in time.

You are so lucky you had a dream, I wish I could but nothing yet.

Believe me its hard and I am a worrier also, I have generalized anxiety disorder and this put it in full force.

I am trying to control it, but my gosh it awful

Even though it has been over a year, there is one thing I cannot do listen to the saved voicemails I have from my mom, I just cant do it yet.

Remember as you are going through her things she would be very proud of you for having such great strength.

Comment by BLUEBELL on March 16, 2017 at 9:46pm

I am okay Theresa. I still tear up, but I think I am making progress. I have started sorting through part of my Mom's things and grouping them. Some items I know I am going to donate and have set up a day for them to be picked up. I saw my Mom is=n a dream. She was sitting on the edge of a bed, looking tall, slender and YOUNG! Her face looked free from worry. She had a sweet smile on her face. Another time, I was having a bad dream. I heard her call me, but  when I did not wake up right away, her voice got louder which woke me up from my dream. I remember saying "Yes Mom?" I am a worrier. I hope my Mom is not stuck here because she thinks she needs to take care of me. I would want her to move on and be free from this earth. I know this sounds kind of weird, and I am not sure I believe she is still here. But if she is, I do not want to be the cause of it. I want her to be free

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on March 15, 2017 at 6:33pm

Bluebell how are you doing

I have my berevement class on Saturday we meet at the church once a month on saturday.

Does it help not sure but it helps knowing I am not alone.

Comment by Theresa on March 13, 2017 at 6:46pm

Bluebell, no its not selfish, I do it all the time, like when I am walking the dog or just when it hits me

I am left alone also, and I miss her so much, I try not to think too much about my grief if that makes sense, because I feel it makes me spiral downward.

Sometimes I just sit and think gosh mom what are you doing now, I pray she knows how much I miss her and would love to have her come to visit in a dream, but I guess she is too busy or she forgot her life on earth and forgot me, we don't know.

It just seems like it has been such a long time since I saw her

 

Comment by BLUEBELL on March 13, 2017 at 9:47am

It is morning. I am drinking my coffee and crying. I know it is selfish of me, but I miss my Mom and I want her back. I hate that she is gone so much. Yes, there is some comfort in knowing I will see her again. Yes there is comfort in knowing she is no longer bound by her aging body. She wants for nothing now. She has it all. But I am left alone without her. I am so sad.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on March 11, 2017 at 5:32am

Bluebell, I feel the same, I wonder was she waiting for me, how did she feel before the cardiac arrest, when I talked to her on the phone she sounded the same as any day.

I go over and over the two days before her passing, nothing was wrong at all she just felt constipated, she still went to meet her friends on Friday nite, little did they know that would be the last time they would see her.

I work in retail and it was near Christmas, so I was working non stop.

Of course not my choice.

Her dr of course was blaming her CA on her blood pressure, maybe I don't know.  He was very cold after her passing when I called him like he didn't want to be bothered by me.

I know some days at 92 my mom didn't feel great she suffered with arthritis in her little body, but she was sharp as a tack.

I know I have to let it go that I wasn't there and just lean on my faith.

Its a tough road, the first year was a blur for me, now I am in the second year and I'm not sure how I feel, lost, sad, wish I could see her one more time just to say "I love you mom"

Keeping busy helps, but you can't keep going and going.

My mom was the baby of 11, strangely enough she has one surviving brother he is 95, I really though she was going to be here at least until that age.

 

Comment by Heather on March 10, 2017 at 9:17pm

Hi Theresa ,
My mom slipped away on a Monday morning neither myself or my sister were there:-(. My mom was always independent and so she died as she lived... I really believe the day she had the heart attack, when she was in ICU on a ventilator, that she stuck around because of how my sister and I were and the things we said to her as she lay unconscious...two days before she passed we were talking to her doctor about transferring her to an assisted living facility. She felt that despite Mom not eating very much that was something we needed to start thinking about... its weird because I knew that she was not doing well but you still hope that she would rally and turn it around...she came back from a heart attack and resuscitation within 24 hours! Sitting up and talking to me and recognized me (they said she probably would have memory impairments). I had hoped that at least one of us would be there. The week leading up to her passing she was begging us to let her die:-(. It was so hard to hear, and hard to know what to say, without it being about what I wanted and NOT about what she needed. I think she needed to know it was ok if she wanted to go... I often wonder if I had said, "it's ok Mom, we will be ok eventually, you can let go". If she would have still gone while we were out of the room? Or would we have been able to hold her hand and kiss her cheek one more time before she left?... I wonder what her last thoughts were and I wonder why I can't stop thinking about her final moments on earth, alone in that hospital room....

Comment by Theresa on March 10, 2017 at 6:11pm

Bluebell, I believe it was not meant for me to be there.

However, I wish I was.

Comment by BLUEBELL on March 10, 2017 at 8:27am

I am glad we (her family) were there too. She always said she did not want to die in her sleep and that sh wanted to be able to say goodbye. I think we gave her that. But it was heartbreaking to watch her slip away. Perhaps your Mom wanted to spare you that.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on March 10, 2017 at 5:02am

Bluebell  You were blessed to be able to be there with your mom, I continue to go over in my mind that I was not

I walked in right after and I swear after she passed her eyes were looking to the right at me. 

I cannot forget that.

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