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Comment by Brett Bowman on September 4, 2017 at 8:52pm

Bluebell, even though my mom died on Christmas Eve, I can't say that I feel worse during the holidays. To be honest it's the everyday times with mom that I miss the most. If mom were alive right now she would be in her room watching, "Everybody Loves Raymond." The dogs would take turns visiting each of us. Now her room is dark and quiet. That's what hurts. It's like she was just here and now it's like she is a million miles away. I just can't wrap my brain around that. The finality of death is overwhelming. When it finally sinks in that never means never, not in this life anyway, that's when it really hurts the most.

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 4, 2017 at 8:35pm

Theresa, it's hard to put the feeling into words but I wonder if your feelings are similar to mine. First, I just can't accept that my mom is dead. I mean, I know she is dead, but for me the memories are so fresh. I am so use to having her here with me. It's as if my brain can't download the fact that mom is gone. It's as if she could be in the next room, but she is not.

Secondly, the anxiety and panic that I feel. It's always bad but it is especially bad in the morning. I will wake up at some point, too early, and I just have this sick feeling in my stomach. It is gut wrenching anxiety, nervousness, and just a sick feeling of death. I don't know what I am dreaming about but it can't be good. Sometimes I will get up for a while and then try to go back to bed. Right before I fall back asleep I will remember something about my mother being gone and I will wake up again. Going back to sleep rarely happens.

I knew that being without mom would be incredibly hard but I thought that I would be more sad than anxious. I am both, but the anxiousness is off of the charts, and I am tired of it. I will always miss my mom but I am ready for the anxiousness to leave me alone.

I know that I do so much of this to myself but I can't hide from those deep inner feelings that keep coming back to bite me. I pray so much for strength and peace. It's been almost two years for me as well. It hasn't gotten better. You have to figure that at some point the feeling will begin to soften. I can't imagine when that will be.

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 4, 2017 at 8:22pm

Theresa,

I miss her every day and grieve her loss. Sometimes I still feel the same intensity of sadness that I had in the first few months. But thank the Lord it does not remain at that same horrible level 24/7 like it did. 

Holidays and other memories or events bring back the initial intensity. But thank the Lord again, it does get "softer" again.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on September 4, 2017 at 7:29pm

Bluebell, yes it does, the best way to put it is it gets "softer" but she will always be on my mind forever, I still miss her, seeing her face, hearing her voice on the phone when I call ten times a day, it was like I had to re-model my life, I feel so lonely sometimes, she was all I really had, she had me late in life, when she was 42, my brother was 17 at the time, so he and I are not close. 

Someone made a comment to me they thought my mom was like the energizer bunny, they thought she would just keep going.  It was very shocking to everyone that knew her, especially me.

My dad was very ill, so I prayed for God to take him, it was expected when he died, I think when it is unexpected, its like somebody put a wool hat over my entire head, that is how I felt.

Panic/anxiety and fear all at once. 

I am doing better, but I feel like I could go right back to that state if I don't keep moving forward.

I hope you are doing a bit better, it does take time a long time.

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 4, 2017 at 7:04pm

Theresa

I hope the intensity of your grief has lessened at least a little over time.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on September 4, 2017 at 1:53pm

Bluebell I feel the same exact way every day they say time heals but it's almost been two years for me and my heart still aches I miss her so much I pray every night to her and I tell her I love her. I hope she knows....

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 4, 2017 at 10:43am

Today is Labor Day. It really never has been a significant holiday other than time off work. But this year it is different. The holiday has brought on the tears of loss. I am not sure why. I guess I do not have to know why. What I think is more important is to acknowledge the sadness and that it is okay to feel this way. What is one of the hardest things for me to do is remember I will eventually not feel so overwhelmed with grief; that I do have some time when I am at least okay. To me, to say I am okay and mean it is good enough. 

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 4, 2017 at 10:07am

I feel the exact same way. The separation from my mom is far and away the worst thing I have ever experienced. As much as I loved my mother in life, you can never truly appreciate what it is like to be without someone until you lose them. When mom was alive I had terrible fear because I knew this day would come, but I still had her at the time. I could still hug her and tell her that I loved her, and I could hear those words in return. Now all I can do is look up to heaven and say those words. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 4, 2017 at 9:47am

Mom. I love you and miss you. I hate waking up in the morning without you to take care of. I feel lost and alone. I wish I could turn back time. But I can not and I am grieving your loss. I also wish the Lord would grant me just a little bit of time with you again. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel like everything is okay. I want this feeling of emptiness and heaviness in my gut and chest to go away. I cry tears for you now. Even when the tears do not flow, I still cry for you everyday.

Love,

Your youngest daughter, Bluebell 

Comment by Theresa on September 2, 2017 at 5:41am

Brett yes I can and I will see her again, we will all see our moms again.

 

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