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Comment by Theresa on July 17, 2019 at 8:29pm

Brett so true she was my security blanket
I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her
You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 16, 2019 at 11:17pm

M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away.

Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone.

I feel like the hard reality of this, for all of us, is the finality of it all. We realize that our moms are not coming back, and that if we live to be 100, it will be without our moms. That is a very hard reality to deal with.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 16, 2019 at 11:13pm

Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an arrogant thing to say, but I would wager that the death of their moms was not as traumatic as mine. That doesn't mean that I loved my mom more. It just means that the circumstances of my life dictated a very long, hard grief, plus a ton of anxiety, and probably clinical depression, too. My mom was the center of my world. That's on me. I never moved on, got married, had kids, etc. I had a career and my mom. I made a choice. I should have known that I was setting myself up for a fall because my mom was in all likelihood going to die long before I would. I knew that but it always seemed so far into the future. Time ran out.

Like you, I can't express the magnitude of loss.

Comment by M Adams on July 16, 2019 at 5:40pm

Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.  My husband died on this date three years ago and my mother has been dead ten months, they were very close and they are both in my mind today.

Comment by Theresa on July 16, 2019 at 5:20pm

I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry
I can’t put into words the magnitude of a loss this was for me as I’m sure it is for everyone else here sometimes I just feel so sad

Comment by M Adams on July 16, 2019 at 5:17pm

Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without needing to frantically hold on to it.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 16, 2019 at 2:48pm

The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 15, 2019 at 3:27pm

While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with us, even when we are not aware. It was a traumatic event. Even if we wanted to forget, we would not be able to. The loss is ingrained in us. While it will not go away, we can ease our minds by realizing that we are safe. That is a hard thing to do. It's not something that you can just tell yourself, or something that someone else can tell you. You have to feel it and believe it. That's our challenge. We have to keep trying.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 15, 2019 at 2:23pm

There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 15, 2019 at 12:47pm

I would rather cry on the outside than on the inside. Crying on the outside is a release. I am really tired of being sad. I'm also tired of being scared. Life without my mom still seems like a scary proposition. All we can do is to continue to put one foot in front of the other, and hope that better days are ahead. We all need hope.

Avi, it's wonderful that you have someone to concentrate all of your love on.

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