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Comment by Addie on August 27, 2020 at 12:26pm

Jo, I’m so sorry. Last year, when I lost my love, I read somewhere that grief is like a ball in a box, and in that box is a pain button. At the beginning of grief, the ball is huge and so the pain button is always getting hit. As time goes on, the ball gets smaller, but when the button gets hit, it still hurts as badly as it did in the beginning. I’m finding this to be very accurate. My pain button was hit constantly in the beginning by every sight or smell or thought that produced a memory. It doesn’t get hit as often now, but when it does, it still hurts like hell. Your pain button is probably hit 100 times a day. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

I also read that grieving people need to be able to tell their stories. That is what is extra hard for those of us in secret relationships. Who do we tell our stories to? I was lucky to have two friends to confide in and I got a counselor, but I wasn’t able to publicly grieve or take off work or cry in front of my family. That is brutal. So I wanted to let any of you know that if you want to tell your stories to me and talk about your loved ones, Im here to listen.

Comment by Jo on August 26, 2020 at 10:08am

I’m new here just lost my boyfriend. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I miss him so much. He has been gone ten days. I can’t eat sleep work. I am devastated. His wife sent me a message from his phone. When I saw his name come up I lost it. I’m not ok. All the memories and plans we had. I miss him

Comment by CC on August 21, 2020 at 9:25am

Thank you Melissa for your kind words and good energy. I don't wish this pain on anyone.

Comment by CC on August 21, 2020 at 9:23am

Thank you for your support..I had to see a lot of pictures up there in his memorial and I was no where in them. Hearing how his family described him and knowing he was looking for me in April this past April makes me furious at him. Hearing all these things that I know were not true from his family makes me angry. You are brave to have gone to the funeral. I am sorry about your pain too.

Comment by Addie on August 20, 2020 at 10:41pm

I spent months of last year crying in secret, so I know well what you’re feeling. I went to his funeral, where a lot of the pictures in the slideshow were taken by me, but no one in his family knew I existed. I finally sought counseling, which has helped some. I can tell you that it does get easier, even though I know it doesn’t feel like it will. But there are still many days that I cry again when I realize he’s not out there anywhere to text or talk to.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Comment by CC on August 20, 2020 at 7:03pm

Thank you Addie...it is. I have to hide from my family I cry in secret when the tears come. We always vowed to be life long friends and I lost that too. I miss just knowing he was a phone call away.

Comment by Addie on August 18, 2020 at 3:43pm

I’m so sorry CC. Grieving is so hard. Grieving in secret and alone is the worst.

Comment by CC on August 17, 2020 at 9:23pm

I am new here. I just lost the man I was seeing on and off for the last 4 years. We have known each other for 8 years were friends first..coworkers. I had to watch his funeral via liveatream he passed from COVID..he was a Healthcare worker and contracted it at work. I saw how his wife and parents can mourn him openly and I have to pretend among our friends I'm just like the other friends when I was much more. I love him and can't say it, and will never be able to say it.

Comment by Addie on August 25, 2019 at 8:06pm

Emmy, I can imagine what you're feeling. Though our situations are somewhat different, the pain is the same. I'm sorry you're having to go through that. I want him back every day, so I know what you mean.

Comment by Addie on March 21, 2019 at 1:23pm

I had a relationship with someone for 5 years. I am married, and wasn't ready to leave my husband. So this man and I met infrequently (every month or 2) and talked a lot through text, but I felt like we had a very close bond. He finally told me this fall that he was living with someone, but that it was just an arrangement of convenience for him. I spent his last birthday with him, and he said he loved me and that all he wanted for his birthday was to spend it with me. He died exactly a month ago in a car accident, and I'm left with feelings of sadness, Loss, regret, and jealousy that I can't express. At the beginning of the relationship, he hinted that he wanted more than an affair, that he wanted me to leave my husband. I'll never know now what could have been or whether he ever really did want that, or whether I even mattered to him as much as he did to me. I feel hopeless but have to keep up a good face for my family, who wouldn't understand my sadness.

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