In 2014 I met the most amazing man ever. We were both in our very early 20s and were looking for different things at the time. We ceased communication for roughly 6 months. During which time, he completed basic training and joined the Air Force. By the time we reconnected he was already at his first duty station.. 8 hours away.

We decided we wanted to continue our relationship and proceeded to cultivate a deeply emotional connection. Regular calls and video chats, visits while he was home on leave, the rare visit to the base, the whole 9. After about 3.5 years, he told me he had gotten married before leaving for his first duty station. I was devastated. Completely shattered. But I knew the connection we had was real and that I couldn’t realistically think of a life without him after having him for 4 years. We continued in secret.

I stayed put while he travelled all around for his military career with his wife. We continued our video chats and phone calls, regular visits while he was home on leave. There were a select few people on each side that knew the truth about our relationship.

In 2019, I met a man in the real world. He was present and available. I (accidentally) got pregnant and married him (too quickly, in hindsight). It turned out to be one of the most toxic relationships I’ve entered. I chose not to let go of my secret.

In 2020 my secret moved back home to where we’re from. Where I’d been waiting. Unfortunately, by that time I was married with young children so life didn’t exactly play out the way we had planned. He lived 20 minutes away, which was nice. We still spoke everyday, had regular lunch dates together, etc.

We have always shared locations with each other via our phones. Over the weekend, he was with his wife and family on small motorcycle road trip. He made it three states away and all the way back to our city. When I checked his location to see if he had made it home, it showed he was at a hospital. Weird. I convinced myself maybe it was his sister or his mom. I went to sleep. When I woke up and checked again- it was still showing the hospital. I completely panicked. I messaged asking if he was okay and it wouldn’t send. I called the hospital and they confirmed he wasn’t a patient.

And then I saw it. The social media post with his beautifully bright smile and a description of his life and personality that ended with his initials and a dove emoji. In my panic I couldn’t accept what that so obviously meant. My eyes were burning and my body was going numb but I dug some more and saw another post saying that he would be missed. Still, no. I couldn’t believe it.

It’s day 4 now and I still don’t believe it. I don’t know how to. I confirmed with someone from his side that knew about us that he was in a motorcycle accident. He was less than 10 miles from home.

I’m still married. Still have small children. Grieving this loss has been the most painful and discreet thing I’ve had to do as an adult. It’s been holding myself together around people and breaking down the second I’m alone. He has end of life ceremonies I have the ability to attend but for some reason am NOW struggling with the morality of the situation.

Another key piece in making that decision would be that his wife has his phone. As I’ve already said, we spoke everyday. When she turns it on she will receive a message from me asking if he’s okay and will undoubtedly open a decades old Pandora’s box. I am expecting to navigate that encounter alone and that is not how I ever thought it would be.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I’m sad. I literally feel broken. I’m medicating. I need a therapist. I know my husband is going to pick up on my mood shift eventually and that will cause some tension.

I just can’t believe this is happening. He was my person. It feels like a dream.

I could go on & on but if you made it this far, thank you. I hope you’re all finding healthy ways to grieve.