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After 21 years I just lost my best friend and soulmate
I just lost my husband three weeks ago. I am still in shock and just can't believe he is gone. He did have kidney disease and was on diaysis, but he was doing fine. He just woke up one night and was having trouble breathing. I called 911 and they gave him cpr and then in the ambulance had to put a tube down his throat. But the doctors all said he was without oxygen for two long and was brain dead. Three days later, I and my nephews and 87 uncle had to watch as they removed the ventilator. An hour later, the love of my love was gone. It was absolutely horrible to watch him go from a good coloring in his face to totally ashen and stop breathing. Everytime I close my eyes all I see is that picture. I just feel so lost and alone. I have no friends. My husband felt everytime we made friends, there was too much drama and he didn't want that. He just wanted it to be him and me, Carol & Rob. That's just how everyone thought of us. And now, it's just me, Carol, all alone and feeling lost, lonely, and very very scared. I just can't stop crying. I do have to little yorkies who I love to death and thank God I have them. I feel like just half a person now because half of me is gone forever.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carol Cugliani on
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Hi Patricia, I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through exactly. It doesn't really get better just easier. Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing because I'm just not happy anymore without Rob. He was my whole life, the best part of me. You just have to take one day at a time. Don't think ahead, that's what makes it worse. I'm glad you are going to a grief support group. It will be very helpful, it was for me and I made a few friends from going. I know the holidays ahead will be rough. Do you have a lot of family support? Friends? Support is very important. And you need to surround yourself with people who care about you, not people who want something from you. If you ever feel like talking, you can call me any time. Send me a message through this website and I'll send you my phone number. I had to get my doctor to give me sleeping pills, I still can't sleep through the night if I don't take something. I'm so used to Rob being beside me a night, I just can't fall asleep and then I cry myself sick. It's going to be 17 months and I'm still messed up. Once again, I'm here for you. Lots of hugs and prayers for you.
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Permalink Reply by Patricia J. Jones on
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Carol,
I do have family and friend support. I have two children who have their own lives and are busily preparing for Christmas with their young families. They loved their dad and had a very close relationship but with their children they've fallen back into their routines. I left my job in July to care for my husband so I sit alone and cry. I don't them to know that I'm really having a hard time getting things together. They've always seen their mother as a strong empowered woman but I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. My friends call me every few days but I think a few of them are avoiding me. The nights are the worst. I toss and turn and see him gasping for his last breath. I would love to talk to you. Maybe you can give me some pointers. My husband was so ill for three years. I don't even remember when I last got a full nights sleep. I have requested you as a friend. Thank you and God bless you for your kindness.
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Patricia, your children love you and they need to see the real you with your hard feelings. You are there for them for better or worse times and the same should be for you. They should all be there for your support now whether or not they have children of their own. Yes you are a strong mother, but now you just had a terrible loss and you need your family and they of all people should understand that. If you need to lean on them a little bit you should. I know, the nights are terrible, I'm still having a hard time adjusting. I mentioned earlier I cry myself sick before bed. Ask your doctor to give you something to help you sleep. You need your sleep, it's very important. There are days where you will feel like you are falling apart, there will be days where you will feel like you are going out of your mind, believe me, i've been there it's all part of the grieving process. I hope today will be ok for you. I'm sending you my phone number in the private message, so if you need to call me, call me anytime. I will also be home all day today. I'm usually up to around 1a also. I live in Columubs, OH I think I'm and hour behind you. Take care and try and have a good day.
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Hi Pat, Renee, Cindy, just want to wish you all a Happy Holiday. I hope the day goes well for everyone. I know it is truly a hard day but we will get through it. My thoughts and prayers are with you all today. Lots of Holiday Hugs your way.
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Hi Pat, Renee and Cindy. I hope you guys are ok tonight. I've had a few unsettling moments, but generally ok. I'm not watching anything that has anything to do with New Years Eve, no news, no NYE shows. Just watching lifetime movies all night. Hopefully that will get me through the evening. I hope you will have better times in the new year and things will get easier. I hope you are with people who care about you tonight. I'm just with my 2 little yorkies, lots of love from them. Take care and all the best.
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Permalink Reply by Cindy on
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Hi Carol. My eve sucked. I was alone at work, and started crying and couldn't sleep. I haven't been right since. I miss Les so much. It still feels unreal. My son is here now for a few days, so that helps. Hope you are feeling well.
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Hi Cindy, I was alone too and my night kind of sucked too. At least I had my two yorkies to cuddle with but I cried most of the night. I too still find it so hard to believe Rob is just gone. It just doesn't seem real even after all this time. I went out to dinner with my neighbor last night, but as soon as we got home and she went to her apt. I lost it. Today I cried on and off all day. I'm really hoping 2011 will get easier. I'm sorry you had such a hard time too. You should get something to help you sleep, you need your sleep it's very important. I didn't want sleeping pills either but my doctor said I need to take something. I'm glad your son is here for a few a days. I'm sure that will help you. Have you found a support group yet? I think in the beginning it's very important to find one. I hope you have a better night tonight. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the new year will be better for us all. Lots of hugs your way.
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Hi Carol. Because of other meds I have to take there isn't much they can give me for sleep. We have a new baby in the house. Maliyah is Les' granddaughter and she was born on the 5th. She is so tuny and sweet--only 6lbs and 18". The no sleep thing is getting bad, I'll talk to my doc next week. Hope you are doing well.
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Hi Cindy, yes, please talk to your doctor. There has to be something he can give you to help you sleep. You definitely need your sleep. Congratulations on the new baby. Enjoy and hang in there. Please take care of yourself. Have a good weekend. Carol
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Hi Cindy, Renee, Pat, I hope you guys are ok. I'm having a terrible weekend, but hanging in there. I hope Renee you're ok, haven't heard from you in a while. I was going through some papers try clean out papers I and magazines really don't need. I came across a paper that someone in my group gave to me. I managed to find it on line so I wouldn't have to retype the whole thing. I hope this will help us a little bit:
"A wise man once told me grief is not constant. If it were, it would kill you. Living through grief, he explained, is like standing at the edge of the sea, your back to the water. The tamer waves lap at your feet, lulling you into a false sense of peace. Then along comes a big wave that knocks you right over. That's how grief is. Sometimes ferocious, sometimes not. Never on schedule. Then one day you walk out of the water to dry land."
Hugs to everyone. Hope your weekend was better than mine. Also, very cold and snowy here. You're all in my thoughts and prayers.
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