A few weeks ago, i was talking to Ryan about Robert again, and he said something that bothered me, and made me think that every time i talk about Robert, it bothered him. So i vowed to not talk about Robert to Ryan anymore, which is why i got an account on here, so i could talk and not bother him. But i dont have my real, personal person anymore, and it seems to be taking a harder toll than i thought it would. Today is 3 months since the accident, and it seems harder than ever. 3 months since his death will be on a school day, 3 days after i start school. I dont know how im going to handle it. The only people who seem to think im still allowed to grieve are the people at school, who havent seen me since his death anyways. And also, being with Kenny for a week isnt helping me at all, ive been having more and more memories with him come back each day im with him, and i found out i even get to spend one extra day with kenny than i expected! Yay! Jenna is here, yes, and it is helping that she is, but id feel horrible if i cried around her. even now, as silent tears drip down my face, she's asleep and if she wakes up i have a plan as to what to do. So every night, i wait until she's asleep and cry out the pain by myself until i cant cry anymore. i always fall asleep crying. it sucks dealing with it alone, i havent had to since he was gone, but i know its best for Ryan if i do. The memories of Robert come so randomly, sometimes it is hard to not cry around others, but i always manage. Yesterday, we went to the State Fair, and we were walking to it when i noticed the next car we were passing was a ford f150 (a size smaller than the one that hit Robert) so i swerved to the right, avoiding walking next to it all together, and on my left, there was a small red car, while on my right there was a white ford f250. Just my effing luck. I just about flipped when i realized it. But i walked past as fast as i could and saved the tears for later. i just cant wait until there is a night i can sleep all the way through...