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Permalink Reply by Semary Rose on June 29, 2011 at 8:14pm

Deborah, I can't relate to the one year anniversary of the loss, as mine is only one month, but I can relate to the flashbacks of the bad stuff.  I play the tape over and over in my mind--anytime I am not preoccupied with a work situation or the kids, sometimes even then.  I get so overwhelmed with it, I feel my face physically go to sad, like a mask.  I remember looking at him at the viewing, how his body and face felt, and then I remember finding him and the horror involved.  I don't think the bad images are any worse than the good, as they both invoke such panic and horror in my heart.  Maybe your mind is just now able to let you start dealing with the bad images.

Permalink Reply by Melissa Szuch on July 1, 2011 at 8:33am

Semary what you posted about playing the tape over and over is exaclty how I feel, and I agree that the bad images are as bad as the good ones. I found Sarah June 14th she had been gone for almost 3 days. When I sleep I see Sarah that way, during the day I see things that remind me of her and my first response is to call her, then it hits me all over again, I see my family walk on egg shells not knowing when I may cry, and if I mention Sarah the looks on there faces change. idk

 

Permalink Reply by Linda Gabrial on July 7, 2011 at 8:11pm

hi cara , my sister was not murdered so i dont know how that feel but i can imange how you feel .i miss sorry for your lost. my sister died febrary 15 ,2010 , i miss her so much,.her and her  family movie down to washingston from michigan to be closes to me .we was very close .  cara i am steel cry on the drop a  hat too, its has been six month cent she passed away . i still that i should call her but i cant call and to her . your friend  from grevge linda gabrial

Permalink Reply by Kandi Broussard on July 4, 2011 at 2:49pm

I do and they are extraordinarily terrifying and sickening.I was not able to see my mom because hermurderer cut her up after he killed her so I never got that last viewing.  The funeral home director could not even allow me to see her face.  I know that it's crazy but my head keeps saying "what if it wasn't my mom?"  "what if there was some kind of mistake?"  August the 5th will be a year since my mom was murdered and I still wait for her to call me and put an end to all of this pain and anguish

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on July 5, 2011 at 1:02am

Oh K. I am so sorry. Murder is so difficult to deal with.  I can't even imagine the pain that you must be in.  At least I was able to see Randy and make sure it was him.  I was praying that it wasn't him, but it was.  To not have that confirmation must be terrifying.  Hugs to you and your loved ones.

Permalink Reply by Ruth on July 5, 2011 at 2:39pm

K, I'm so sorry for what they did to your beautiful, beautiful mother.  I know how badly that hurts not to see that precious face.  My dad was never sick a day in his life. He was 77 years old, perfectly mobile and healthy, bright eyed and bushy tailed. His father died when he was 94 years old(and had smoked all his life,) (Daddy didn't) so we were looking forward to many years of fun, hiking, fishing, photography, enjoying my children. Stolen, murdered.

 

K, I have horrible imaginings of my dad's fear and terror as he was stabbed over 10 times. Until I read the coroner's unsealed report a month ago, I frequently wept/weep at the thought of a long slow painful lingering death, maybe him even speed dialing me and trying to breathe/talk and me not realizing what was happening.  I don't have caller ID.  I still have those "loops" though I rationally know his bleed out was fairly quick.  I was lucky enough to not be raised in an open casket culture, so at least that part of my dad's directives were met.  He had a veterans' funeral and the gun volleys and shell casings made it real for me. As well as his casket flag, which I was blessed to receive.  On Memorial Day this year we were finally able to drive to see his marker and that made it real for my husband.  I now know the sound of "keening" as I had to help my collapsed husband up from the gravesite.

At least 4 or 5 times a week, I think "I'll do this or that" in connection to Dad and realize,"That can't happen anymore"  Lately it's accompanied with anger because now I know who caused all this suffering.  It is so petty the reasons he had, I'm enraged at the dishonor to my dad and to our community.  Someone told me they were sorry the judge didn't reduce his bail bond because if he was out, he'd probably not survive to trial.  I'm glad the judge didn't, for the original reason and now that one, because there should be more people charged in relation to this and if this guy died, the gov'ts involved would probably just close the books.

I'm so glad you asked because when I wrote about the flag, casings,marker it make me want to get up and tidy my dining room where those things are; it was motivating to take care of that area of the house as an honoring ritual. The house condition has deteriorated over the months and I'll take any umph I can get. Smiley tears. 

 

We don't have the arraignment date yet. Dad's birthday on June 15 is always awful because of the father's day tie-in, there's no escape.  The anniversary of his death is 10 days before Christmas, and the last we talked was my huband's birthday Dec 5, last time we were together Thanksgiving.  There goes the rage again.  Right now this is the worst part for me.  When my mom died, it was sad and very hard but it wasn't anyone's fault.  I miss her at the special times just as much as now with Daddy, but to know it was someone's choice that he's not here currently makes it more bitter than sweet.

 

 

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