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Comment by Louise on March 12, 2017 at 7:35pm

M Adams, I am glad I have photos of him, but not as many as I would like, he was so camera shy and when he died I was frantic trying to find as many as I could. I have a lovely photo of him in a frame which I carry around everywhere with me, I have his ashes inside a necklace which I never take off. I carry his wallet in my bag and a little piece of volcanic rock that he picked up on our honeymoon in my pocket wherever I go. I wear his t-shirts to sleep in as I lie next to his robe stuffed with his pillows and I pull the arms around me every night and pretend it is him. I miss him so much x

Comment by M Adams on March 12, 2017 at 7:19pm

So sorry for your pain and the terrible loss you're feeling. I don't know if this is true for all bereaved people, probably not, but after losing my husband I have filled my living space with many photographs of him from our life together, and they really do provide solace to me. Being able to look up and see him is really helpful to me. I wouldn't have thought of doing this before, but it seemed like an instinct. I notice how genuinely happy he is in all these pictures, joyful, even, and that does make me feel a bit more sane and human, somehow. I hope looking at your husband's photos, and maybe at those of the two of you together, will bring you some peace.

Comment by Louise on March 12, 2017 at 6:02pm

Lola & Dee, thank you xxx

Comment by Dee on March 12, 2017 at 11:33am

Hi Louise, I hope you r in a better place than when u were writing this. I cannot compare your loss to mine but u r not alone, u will not feel like this forever. Each day is a struggle for me but I have to and need to remind myself that happiness is only around the corner. Sending strength to you from Ireland! Xxx

Comment by Lola on February 28, 2017 at 4:04pm

My heart aches for you

Comment by Louise on February 22, 2017 at 9:59am

Thank you Morgan, your support means so much to me, I was in a bad place when I wrote this. I don't really have many people to talk to; there were loads of people there for me just after he died, but everyone has drifted away. My very best friend in the world who I always thought of as more like family I have barely seen. And when I do see people and try to talk to them about things they always seem to offer vague platitudes which never really help. For example, a few weeks ago I was crying to my best friend that I am so sad I will never go on another vacation with my husband and she said "you can go with me" and whilst I appreciate the sentiment, it's really not the same. I have no children either which is like a double blow to me because there was a chance I could have been pregnant but I turned out not to be. She said it was probably a good thing because my husband committed suicide and how awful would it be to explain that to my child? That really upset me. I feel like I am out of touch with everyone and I know it is hard for my friends to understand, but it makes me feel so alone. Also because of the circumstances it makes it even harder to talk about and I've never been very good at expressing my feelings.

I often think about an afterlife and wonder if he is with me. I sincerely hope there is one because the thought of never seeing my wonderful husband again fills me with utter despair. But I don't know. I never really believed in any of that stuff and neither did he. I want more than anything to believe.

Thank you so much xxx

Comment by morgan on February 22, 2017 at 12:54am

Louise,  Just  keep trying.  Baby steps.  Thats all any of us can do.  We keep trying to get through another day because there is only one other option which is not really desirable.  Do you have anyone who really listens to you on a consistent basis?  Knows what you are going through?  

I also have found reading about the "possibilities" that might be outside of life on earth is somewhat helpful.  Eben Alexander has a story to tell of his NDE and it is quite compelling.  I am deep into the study of consciousness and our brain and how that 2 lb mass of tissue stuck in a dark wet place in our skull is directing the film I am watching called life.  It helps me to try and understand that there is obviously a lot more about this "life" that we could possibly understand and some of it just has to be bigger than what we see here.  I don't go to a spiritual place for that explanation, I tend to go to more of an Einstein place but both have us reaching outside of the norm and really asking ourselves if all this is just some kind of a coincidence or is there an energy that the brain is being directed by?  For me the pain of it has to be less spiritually directed because I simply cannot excuse the pain for some greater good.  But if energy is about how finely tuned our frequency is to another dimension then I get more from the whole NDE possibilities and much more.  I don't know if this makes much sense but I felt compelled to write and while propping myself up try to prop you up.  Your post cries out and since I have been there for longer than I ever anticipated I could live through,  I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you tonight and sending along the stardust I can spare.  You need it more than I do right now.........

morgan