Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen T. on February 7, 2015 at 7:08am

My husband was my soulmate, we were truly made for each other. You know the details of your love and marriage- don't let doubters get in your head. I'm kind of the same way- the only thing keeping me here is my son. I take it one day at a time and that is the inly thing I can suggest for you, that and stay on this site- it helps. Hope you have a reasonably good day.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by trav on February 7, 2015 at 5:53pm

Thank you for your support.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Roger on February 7, 2015 at 8:50am

Hi Travel,
I also lost my wife to cancer. Exactly the way you described. Just awful. My thoughts and prayers ate with you. Please don't do any thing that might not honuor God. I have been where you are. Give things a chance to get better.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by trav on February 7, 2015 at 6:01pm

Thank you for your support.

I hold views and beliefs, which involve God and Jesus but tend not to follow mainstream views of what god thinks about suicide because i dont really know what those views are. From my point of view The bible represents Human views of god that mix 2000+ year old mythology, with various organisational and cultural/language translations that dont necessary represent who or what god are/is.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Karen T. on March 2, 2015 at 5:05pm

I can't speak very knowledgably about His wishes because I haven't studied the Bible as well as others or I could have by this time (really should study it more often than do). I can tell you this. If you are truly saved and born again nothing can take your salvation away and you will go to Heaven when you die. When you get to Heaven, however, that is where you will answer to the Lord about everything and you will receive any rewards you may have earned in life (such as each time you witness to someone and are able to help lead them to the Lord). Now, with that being said, the Lord does have a plan for your life even if you don't know it or feel like it right now. You do have free will, however, which is why so many bad things happen and so few people (in relation to the total number of people in the world) and it breaks God's heart when you do something against His will and plan especially something like suicide that hurts not only you but others around you and takes you out of this world before He is ready for you to go. He made us in His image and we are his children and I would imagine that only a few things would hurt His heart more than suicide.

It is hard, as I said before, my husband was my soulmate so I do completely understand when you say most marriages are just marriages and don't possess the magical and wonderful thing of having found your true soulmate.

Best wishes and good luck to you. Hope you can find joy in something in this world because once you start with one you would be amazed at how you suddenly get another then another and so on.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by morgan on February 7, 2015 at 3:33pm

It's really hard when I read someone who is brave enough to write the words I feel. 

 

It really doesn't matter how long two people are together.  Once you have found that person who completes you the world stops when they leave this earth.  You are then having to face the world again, only this time alone. Sometimes people are able to do that.   Some people marry for lust, some for money, some for companionship, some for all the wrong reasons and some for love.  Few of us get love.  I was lucky.  You were lucky.  Now we pay a heavy price for that love.  

 

I spent the first eight months of this grief doing two things.  Packing up our home of 35 years and gathering the necessary medications for a final cocktail.  In Sept 2013 I took a last look and drove a truck full to the last place I wanted to be: Minnesota.  In mid-December I left for the winter to Hawaii hoping I could reconstruct my life there.  After three months I realized location was not the problem and returned to Minnesota in March 2014.  I needed to scale my living expenses back so I could afford to live.  With the house proceeds I managed to buy two houses to remodel.  One to live in and one for an income since working was impossible. I have no focus.  Now I have pretty much completed the two homes and I asked myself once again as I have a million times during this journey. Why?  For what purpose am I doing this?

 

Well, I have my cat who was my husbands cat and now at least has gotten used to me.  I have pushed all my siblings and good friends away from me because I cannot stand the hurt to myself or to them.  Everything is so overwhelming.  I forced myself to get through the remodeling of the houses only because my biology seems to want to stay here on earth.  My mind is another matter.  

 

So I have spent the last two years studying physics hoping I could find some reason in the energy of our atomic laws to help give me a reason. The physicality of the research is compelling but they still are in the dark about the "hard problem" of our consciousness.  I do know one thing for sure.  The feelings I have are real.  I cannot shake how entangled our wavelength was and actually still is.  That is what makes this so hard.  I am still so connected.  Obviously so are you.  

 

I have not taken the cocktail because I need for it to be fail-safe, peaceful and sure.  I was a little hesitant even when I thought I had it all only because part of it was some medicine that had been sitting for awhile.  That part has been very difficult to have total reliance on so maybe for some reason (wavelength) I am still here.  But like you I am suffering.  Intensely.  Still.  It's been two years and seventeen days.  (continued next message, too long for one)

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by morgan on February 7, 2015 at 3:39pm

The only good thing (some wouldn't call it that) is that I think throughout the stress and crying of this I have given myself cancer.  I think.  My throat has always been my weakest spot and it is now getting harder to swallow.  I refuse to go to the doctor because he will take one look at me and see the weight loss, etc and want to fix me.  I don't want fixed.  I want out.  It is, I suppose, my way of doing what naturally would happen if he hadn't died and I was the one to get sick because of the way cancer strikes.  Stealthily.

 

I don't believe there is some magician in the sky but I do believe there is a field of energy, a universal consciousness that we are entangled with and even at very great distances we "feel" this in the body.  Why this clump of matter on this mote of dust is experiencing "feelings" has nothing to do with some sky fairy and everything to do with the vibrations we feel of our wavelength as it travels in empty space. That immensity of light.  NDE's I think are a small window that opens for some revealing what might be outside of our narrow vision.  Whether we should choose to travel outside the box is the ultimate existential dilemna. My external world has become pretty much inconsequential yet it reflects the struggle of my internal war between my feelings and my thoughts.   How do I feel about what matters versus what do I think about what matters.  This is the struggle of life and the struggle of death.  Here and gone. Beginnings and endings.  For people who have loved, that wave length of energy has ripped a hole in the very fabric of the universe.  We are holding on for dear life but the ride is tumultous.  Scary.  For some reason which none of us know we are still here on this mote of dust. We don't know where that energy has gone and we want answers. 

 

No one has answers for that.  The closest I think anyone in this age will/has come are like Einstein.  Messengers without the whole document.  If you want to try and open the window from here a little bit I would suggest a couple names to google on you tube.  John Hagelin, Stuart Hammeroff and Richard Penrose (Orch-OR theory), Brian Greene for his layman explanations (The fabric of the cosmos and The elegant universe) are some good starters.  I will also include a link to a pretty good article. 

 

For you, for me, for all of us suffering from what death of our spouses has done to us I can only wish some peace amongst the pain.  I hope I have given you a little of what my own thoughts have done to help my feelings.  It's not enough to make me want to get up and do much but it alleviates some of the burden that my mind wants as answers. 

 

Take care of yourself the best you can.  It's all our spouses would ask of us.

 http://www.robertlanzabiocentrism.com/is-death-an-illusion-evidence...

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by trav on February 7, 2015 at 6:38pm

Thank you

I feel my understanding of the afterlife/God etc is mainly via other experiences. That being genuine experiences of NDEs Nderf.org and people who sense or see ghosts. I qualify "genuine" by stating it is people who have these experiences and abilities but don't profit or try to seek attention off them, they are people who try to live normal lives. My wife was one of these who saw ghosts during her childhood but choose to block them as she found them quite disturbing.

For a time i was an atheist and despite what i have written i still have a problem believing in the paranormal. Catching the bus is the option i seek, i have researched deeply and i know of the cocktails you speak off but i look to the N option as its failure rate is low.

I feel i have followed the same path as you, as i have also researched the quantum physics side of things, such as quantum suicide, closed time loops/spirals, many world theories. But in the end i can not know if they are true if i don't have a time machine, my future doesn't look that bright and i would rather just go now rather than wait another 30 years for death to catch me. HA if we are in a closed time loop at least i will be unaware of existence until its my time to repeat but then again i don't to repeat the same mistakes again....bahhh

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by morgan on February 8, 2015 at 12:01am

You sound as though you have thought about and experienced a lot more things than most when it comes to this end of life matrix.  My own thoughts derive more from science and the  metaphysical rather than from the paranormal but that doesn't mean I have dismissed anything as an explanation other than religious dogmas.  I know nothing of quantum suicide or closed time loops but I will be researching them now.  I have studied the many worlds theory, quantum entanglement, wave particle duality and other physics that have given me hope that my husbands energy is still somewhere I will touch upon again. It is all I can do to survive the days. 

Even though the pain of the loss is unbearable, there are times when I sit and wonder could I do anything to myself?  For the first year I was desperate so much of the time but I didn't have the means.  Now there are still times when desperation grabs me but those times are fewer and further between.  I just suffer through them.  Why?  Because I have yet to replace the old meds.  It has taken me this long to find someone who will help me get them.  But I'm also not convinced I can follow through on my feelings versus my thoughts of continuing to withstand the pain to live. So I have been condemned to live in limbo.  I am increasingly spending more time doing nothing.  I feel nauseous and sleep a lot.    

Right now I hope nature makes a decision for me.  I want to be in the dream of the other dimension where I am surrounded again by the warmth of my husbands arms.  I do not know how or when I just hope for an end to the the surreal dimension in which I now live.  For today I take baby steps getting through the moments of the day. It's all I can do.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by trav on February 28, 2015 at 2:57am

Yeah i have dug through much of what material science and paranormal has to say about death and suicide. Overall I find myself in contradiction,I find Nde are the most comforting for hoping to be with my wife again but i understand material science arguments against them.

As you i find myself in limbo but its is one in which i must leave, i cant stand it. I would have liked to leave sooner but it takes some organising, Also my fears of death have delayed me, but you get to the point were they are overcome, i have only a few tasks left then i am gone.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by MarieSte on March 5, 2015 at 4:34pm

Hi Trav,

I am sorry you lost your girlfriend. I can relate to your pain as I lost my soulmate too. Your journey is unique to you so I will never truly understand how you feel. All I will say is I respect how you feel but would ask you to consider talking to someone before you as you state "are gone" Also please consider the impact on those around you. Will your suicide cause them the pain you are currently feeling. Will they then feel they can't live without you and feel guilty that they could have done something to stop you. Please read the posts in the link below from members in this forum who are trying to deal with the loss of a loved one from suicide. http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/group/forlovedoneswhohavelostsome...

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by trav on February 17, 2015 at 12:05am

Mia.... Keeping trying..:-)

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next ›
• Page