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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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Dear Zell, I don't want to be redundant, but you've summed up my feelings perfectly. What loving god could possibly have a "plan" that inflicts such suffering and misery on his supposedly beloved children??? I just want to go. I'm done. I love my kids, and I feel terrible that this has happened to us-- I'll do my duty as long as I can manage-- but I'm so ready to go.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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AMEN!!!! Thank you for posting that, Zell. None of those clichés that people spout help at all, and regarding most of those statements, no one can know if they are true or not (i.e., no person can know it was her/his "time", or whether s/he is in a better place, etc.). Also, no one other than the person dealing with this horrific shit can actually know/decide/determine when or if s/he will "move on", when or if s/he will "get over it", etc. And what other people (family members) want is simply irrelevant -- sorry. I love my family, but they are not the ones who have to live this. Which isn't to say they aren't in pain also -- they love and miss my husband, and they love and miss me (the person I was is dead, plain and simple). But it is only me who truly knows my husband in the most intimate ways (emotionally, spiritually, physically), and I am saying that I want to die, because he died, and that will NEVER change.
For me -- I will NEVER move on. I will NEVER get into another romantic/sexual or even dating relationship. I will NEVER again want this life.
And Zell, you are especially right in saying not to say "Time will heal this" -- because, as you said, it doesn't.
The fact is -- when your soulmate dies, you want to die. Life sucks from then on, it's that simple, at least for some of us. THERE IS NO FIXING THIS, THERE IS ONLY ENDING IT.
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Permalink Reply by Taylor's mom on
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Hello. I'm new here and I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. I know what it is like to want to be with the person you lost. I lost my daughter in September. She was 14. Everyday is a struggle for me to get up and keep going, but I do. Just as you are. I am curious to know if you have tried to do anything to honour/remember your husband? What I mean is, something like a scrapbook of your lives together? Something I do is I have a journal where I "talk" to my daughter. I tell her how much I miss her, talk about what is happening in my life, do the 'remember when' routine, talk about who ticked me off by saying something inconsiderate, etc. I have a friend that is a counsellor and he suggested this to me as a constructive way to deal with my grief. I'm not suggesting that the pain goes away or even lessons but what I can tell you is that it makes me feel a tiny bit better for a little bit to remember the good times. It also passes the time (which many of us wish would speed up). I wish there was something I could do to fix this for you.. For all of the people here. Hugs bluebird.
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Thank you, Taylor's Mom, and hugs to you too. I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I have done a few little things like the kinds of things you're talking about, but not much. I just don't have the energy or "oomph" to do anything -- I can barely drag my ass out of bed to take a shower and go to work, and I only do those things because if I don't I will lose my apt.
I'm glad that your journal and whatever else you do is helpful to you. For me, I need my husband here to actually speak with, or I need to be wherever he is (if he still exists and is anywhere), in order to feel better. I know that my lack of faith regarding an afterlife isn't helping. I am agnostic/atheist as concerns the possibility of a god, and I am agnostic regarding the afterlife. I certainly hope there is an afterlife where my husband is happy and well, and where he & I will be reunited, but I don't know if there is or not. I just want to hurry up and die, to be with him if there is an afterlife or at least to be out of this pain if there isn't.
Regardless -- I appreciate you sharing what has helped you a bit with your grief.
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Yes, yes, a million times YES!!!!!!!!! Zell, you've got it exactly. I'm about ready to start tellig people where they can stuff their damned platitudes!
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Of course my family loves me, and i love them. That is not the point, and is not enough to make me want to live. I don't want them to be hurt, but neither can i live for years more without my husband. As for god, i sm essrntially an atheist, but if there is a god then i have no use for her/him, because s/he allowed my husband to die. If there is a god, I don't give a damn what plan s/he may have for my life -- i have free will, and i will not intentionally do anything a possibly-existing god wants me to do.
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Permalink Reply by BlackSky on
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Zell and Bluebird, ok I do understand your points now, but I still believe both of you will get over this and find happiness, cheers :)
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BlackSky,
I appreciate your concern and I get that you mean well, but you are mistaken -- we (or at least, I can speak for myself and say I) will never "get over" the death of my soulmate and the destruction of our life.
I may be assuming too much, but from your statements it seems to me that you have never experienced the death of a truly beloved soulmate/partner/spouse/lover. If you had, you would not say the things you are saying.
There is no happiness in the world for me, without my husband here with me. That's all there is to it. You wanting to believe that there would be is nothing more than wishful thinking. For some people, perhaps they could find some happiness after the death of a soulmate. Not me.
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"My only happiness was with my partner and my happiness will only be restored when we are reunited...no debate...no replacements in this life ever. Everyone who knew us as a couple know that too."
EXACTLY.
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well meaning of you BlackSky, but I will echo Bluebird & Zell's comments. I won't 'get over' the loss of my husband. My family, friends and anyone who actually KNEW us knows that and also lovingly respects our love/relationship and the fact that we were a couple both in this life and for eternity. Like Bluebird says...I also will always be married to my husband - although he's no longer here in the physical, I am his wife and always will be. I don't mean to be rude, but your opinions seem to have been less than helpful. If you refer to Zell's post on what not to say....some really Good points. Also, your ending 'cheers' as in 'cheery' - rather odd given that we are all in grief and despair. You may be well intentioned but please, please dont tell others how they should feel or that they should 'move on'.
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I have a neighbour who lost her husband in Afghanistan, she also felt the same like you do now. When she found her husband killed, she wanted to die. She never went outside and locked heraelf in her house, but someone came to her and he cheered her spirit up. She married that man agaim after 3 years of her husband death. Just my story :)
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