Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Monica Pace on April 29, 2010 at 8:44am

Thank you, Sheryl,
I am SO sorry about Lee. Is that him in the photo? I am new to this grieving process, so I don't know if it's cool to ask you about him. How old was he and what happened? I have three grown sons myself and I can't imagine losing one of them. I know that people wonder whether or not to bring up Damon with me, or just to ignore it, but I much prefer being asked. And I take a little comfort in talking about him. So if you don't mind telling me, I'd like to hear about Lee. He is a very handsome kid.
I am encouraged to hear you say that I will eventually have the odd good day. I keep waiting for that, and I DO have good moments, but that damn hole in my heart is always there and I find no joy in anything. And every morning when I wake up there's that split second of "where's Damon?". I hate it! You are right, it IS one hell of a shitty ride. I talk to him all the time and am trying my hardest to come to terms with his not being here physically. But sometimes I literally ache with missing him. And he was a big-time cuddler, so I have to say that I also miss that physical closeness. I miss him touching me and his lovely affection. Wow, this sucks!!
Anyway, you take care, too. I hope you are seeing a little sunshine in your life. Thank you for your encouraging words and have a great day, Sheryl! xo Monica

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on April 29, 2010 at 5:49pm

Sheryl,

Your story is so similar to mine. I was with my Dave for just over two years. He was a big cuddly bear with a rumbling cheeky laugh and wicked sense of humour. I have never loved andy one or felt so loved by any one in my life. He died suddenly on September 25th, 2009. No one in our circle of friends and family had ever experienced this before so it was a shock for everyone.

I have times where I would sell my soul just to have in my arms one last time, and hear his voice.
The pain and grief is hard to decribe, there are no words that really explain it. I agree with you, grief is a shitty ride.


Yesterday on the way to work I had several things happen. By the time I got to work I couldn't go in. I drove past three times willing myself to just get on with life. In the end I drove up the road, parked and bawled my eyes out. Work was great and told me to go home and they told me to take today off as well.

The bad days are horrendous but there are growing moments where I can make myself choose to live and appreciate what I still have in my life. Not as easy as it sounds but I make myself pretend and then I am actually doing it for real.

I am so sorry that any of us has had to experience such pain and loss, and remember that you are always doing the best that you can and that is enough.

Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Toni

Permalink Reply by Monica Pace on April 29, 2010 at 6:09pm

Hi Toni,

Even though your reply said Sheryl, it might have been meant for me. I'm Monica and whether your response was meant for me or for Sheryl, it was perfect for me. I am so so sorry about Dave. Doesn't it just suck that this happened?? I too would give anything in the world to get Damon back for one more minute. I do realize how lucky I am to have been with him, and in a very loving moment, when it happened. But it was also oh so traumatic. I loved him so very much, and I keep reliving those last moments and wondering why it had to happen. It was in our living room, and now I'm back in the house that's the most lived in and used room I have. I try very hard not to let those last moments into my head, but it's nearly impossible.

I've always been an upbeat, positive-thinking person and now I just cry all the time. When I'm not crying I'm concentrating on NOT crying. I get through my work days and that helps, but as soon as I'm on my own, boom. I took two weeks off after he died. There was no way I could work! But I have the kind of job where I don't get paid if I don't work. I couldn't afford to NOT work. I do Weight Watcher meetings at work places. I have a close relationship with my members, and I cried my eyes out at every single meeting when I went back! God, it's hard isn't it?!! I carry my makeup bag with me at all times =)

Well, Toni, thanks for your note. Whether it was for me or not, I appreciated your thoughts. Can I ask you what happened to Dave?

Permalink Reply by Monica Pace on April 29, 2010 at 6:56pm

Thanks, Arlene
1like what you had to say. I know what you mean about thinking about him constantly when he was alive. Damon called a few times every day just to say hi or to tell me something or ask something. Sometimes just to say I love you. I still hear his ringtone and sing it in my head all the time. My heart always jumped a little when it was his ring. I no longer even care about whether I have my cell phone or not. The only calls I looked forward to were his. And all my thoughts centered around him. I loved the hell out of him, plain and simple. Even now, I'll be at Costco and think "should I grab some protein powder for Damon?" or "would Damon like a pair of these shorts?".

And the hardest part, possibly, is that I counted on him for everything. He was my best friend and took just the best care of me. I want to bury my head in the nape of his neck and have him take away all this sadness and pain, to fix this. I have a large family, close relationships with 3 sisters and 3 wonderful grown sons who I adore, but still I can't figure out a way to find any joy around me. I just pretend. I've never been such a negative person in my whole life.

I love what you said about your life starting when you met him. I felt that way, too, in a way. Of course I have those three great kids and I have had a wonderful life full of good times, but this was the first time I had ever been IN love and that was a great awakening.

I can't wait for other things to move to the front of my mind. I know I have a long ways to go yet, but hearing you say that it will happen is very encouraging. Thanks!

Warmest Regards, Monica

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on April 29, 2010 at 10:51pm

Hi Monica,

Yes! My reply was for you. Shows where my head is at!!!

I found my lovely man collapsed and had to do CPR and it was too late. We still don't have the coroners report but heart attack or something.

When I first met Dave it was as if we had known each other for ever. I had had some unfortunate experiences with men, including my father, so it was indescribable to find this man who was gentle, safe, warm, funny and my best friend who I had always known. He thought I was the most wonderful person he had ever met and when I was with him I felt like I was more than I had ever been. For the first time in a long time I felt that I was beautiful, inside and out.

I have to be careful not to throw away what he gave me. That I am still the person he saw and loved but I have to say that it is a little harder without him.

I cry every day, and like you I have two grown up children, plus a pretty good family (who I have been turning away from) and then I have Daves Mum, his three children, three grandchildren and Daves dog and cat. As you can see it is not that I am alone it is just that I have never felt so lonely.

What I want to be able to do is smile and laugh when I think about Dave, not just cry . I want to feel good being with him again and not waste what we were given.

I am going to the Drs next week and we talked about medication early on but I think may now be the time to consider accepting help to make the pain a little more bearable.

It makes me think that some how I am not coping properly with this loss, but do you know what? All the rules changed when Dave died. I will do what I have to do to be there for us, myself, my family and his family. Because those are all the gifts he left with and I have to treasure them and be there for them.

Everything you said reminds me of me and my lovely, beautiful man. We are lucky to have had this in our lives because not everyone is so fortunate.

Warm thoughts and and a hug if you need it as well.

Toni xx

Permalink Reply by Monica Pace on April 29, 2010 at 11:10pm

Hi Toni,

Thursday nights are the worst ones of the week because I don't get home until 8:00 and Damon ALWAYS would run out to the car to meet me, grab all my belongings out of my arms, and take me inside to a wonderful dinner he had cooked. He always had a fire going in the woodstove, too. So it's very depressing to come home to a quiet house alone. What you said about not being alone but being lonely is SO true.

Our relationships sound very similar. Damon, too, made me feel so beautiful inside and out. I gained 15 pounds when I was with him, and being that I work for Weight Watchers!! it was a concern for me. But Damon just adored every ounce of me and made me feel good about myself all the time. I felt cherished and you are so right - many people NEVER get to experience that. And I didn't really realize that I never HAD experienced it. I don't want to waste all that love, either. I have to hold on to what we had and be grateful for the gift that it was. I can die a happy woman now because I have known his love. That sounds kind of corny and is not something the old me would have said! But it's true. So we're both lucky, huh?

It's kind of funny because to look at Damon and me, you would probably never put us together. He was a free spirit, Southern California hippie, long haired guitar player. I appear to be more conservative, pretty classic style, small town Washington state kind of girl, but we just clicked! He brought out the adventurous rocker chick that was buried inside of me. I would have thought my mom might freak out when she met him, but she knew that I had that person inside of me all along and he was perfect for me. I was WAY different than any woman he had ever dated in his life. But again, we just clicked from the first minute we spoke. It was at the gym on side by side treadmills. Well, I'm getting carried away here. Your eyes are probably glazed over with boredom!

Tell me more about Dave and you sometime. Thanks for the warm thoughts and hug. Tonight was a good night for both! I send the same to you. xo Monica

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on April 30, 2010 at 1:13am

Monica,

Nothing you said was boring. And if I had known it was Thursday night I would have sent you more than a hug! Dave cooked some 'interesting' meals. But I always remembered that the magic ingredient was love even whilst marvelling at his very creative blend of flavours. Even the best chefs would never have come up with some of his combinations!

Dave was a cheeky, loveable bit of everything. He was a respected drummer, punk and ska, in Sydney in the early 80's. And by day designed and built childrens play grounds. He played the drums for me, audience of one and I swear I swooned the first time I watched him. Then he very graciously let me have a play around. I was dreadful, still am (and I have his drums), but he said that he enjoyed hearing me have fun. I was as good behind the drums as he was behind the stove but we still could laugh at and enjoy what each other created.

He had a joke for everything and would be the first person to laugh at the punch line. I am hopeless at jokes! He said that he loved telling me jokes because he could tell me the same ones over and over and I would still laugh at the end. He said I was a bit like the brain injured people he worked with because they never remembered the punchline either!. Sounds terrible I know but it was sort of true and we both roared with laughter when he said that. That is what I loved about him as well is that he made me be able to laugh at myself and still feel OK. Even in the depths of hard times we could smile and laugh and then just be glad we were going through it together.

Sometimes on here, all that is remembered is the loss and despair. Which is not what our total experience of that person was. I would love to hear the other side of peoples experiences. Because I am sure that those that we have lost could do with a bloody good laugh as well.

So we are both going to remember that we are still beautiful. Promise.

Tel me about this rocker girl that was unleashed by Damon.

Permalink Reply by Monica Pace on April 30, 2010 at 10:36pm

Hi Toni!

I just wrote you a very LONG reply to your message and then somehow pushed some button and it all instantly disappeared!! Gosh, that was aggravating =( I have no idea what happened, but I am SO tired this evening and I have to get up at 5:00 tomorrow morning for work, so I will write again tomorrow. Too tired right now.

The gist of my note was that I think Damon and Dave would have gotten along very well! They would have had some good jam sessions for sure, and probably some good joke sessions as well!

I did manage to survive Taco Thursday! I cried a lot, that's for sure, but I made it somehow. Damon was an awesome cook and he always said it was because he did it with LOVE. And I believe that's true.

I'll tell you more about his fabulous joke-telling abilities (NOT!) tomorrow. And yeah, we are still beautiful. Absolutely.
Good night (or probably good morning in Aukland?), the Rocker Chick

Permalink Reply by Shelly on April 30, 2010 at 12:06pm

hello I lost my daughter back in July she was only 12YRS old...and it been 9mths im still in limbo I still cant believe my little girl is gone! My sister lost my neice back in 05 she would be 5yrs old and she gave me this advice it never gets easier it may become bareable but the pain will always exisit..I never knew my sisters true pain until I felt what she was feeling when my own little girl died! so it will be tolerable but thats all we can even begin to hope for!

Permalink Reply by Monica Pace on April 30, 2010 at 10:00pm

I'm so sorry about your daughter, Shelly! Losing a child is beyond what I can possibly compehend. I now have an understanding of horrible loss, but there are differences. All I can say is that I am so sorry for you. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I wake up every morning hoping it was all a bad nightmare, but no luck. I would give my right arm happily to get Damon back. I cannot stand the thought of never seeing him again. I know he is in a happy place, but I don't want him there - I want him HERE! with ME!! It's so emotionally draining to feel this deep sadness and despair all the time. I feel no joy and I have always been the type of person to thoroughly enjoy life. I have always seen the good in people and the good in life, and now I see only negative and dreariness. I want to believe that I will be that happy person again. I don't ever want or need another MAN in my life - I've had the best and I can die happy for that - but I want to feel some happiness. Will I?? I know it's only been a couple of months, but I'm having my doubts....
Thanks so much for writing and take care. Monica