Having trouble releasing my emotions

It's comming up on a year since my mom died unexpectedly and I still don't think that I have felt the full impact of the loss. I feel like I'm walking around with this hurt that's just beneath the surface but impossible to release.

 

I only cried, I mean really cried, when I first learned that my mom had been taken to the hospital and was already undergoing open heart surgery. I cried uncontrollably in the car all the way to the hospital. But really after that, it was like something in my mind just shut off the most of the pain. I gave my mother's eulogy without a single tear. I have had absolutely no experience with this sort of thing because I'm generally an extremely sensitive and emotional person. Also, my mom was essentially my best friend so I know that the lack of crying has not been for lack of loving and missing her.

 

I have shed a few tears here and there since all of this happened. But it has never been a real emotional release where I'm able to cry for an extended period of time and really let the feelings out. The closest I've come to that is when I'm asleep. In my dreams I sometimes scream and cry hysterically over my mother's death.

 

I know my subconcious has been more or less shielding me from the pain of grief, but I'm pretty sure that not being able to let that pain out has been preventing me from moving on and is leading to destructive behaviors like eating too much and avoiding contact with friends. I feel that I'm at a point where I'm very close to being able to let it out. I kind of feel like I'm on the verge of crying all day everyday, which is something new, and possibly a step forward. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has any tips for releasing this trapped grief? I just don't think I can begin to live my life again until I do.

 

Also, it's worth mentioning that I never got a chance to say goodbye to my mom. My dad called me just before my mom was about to go into surgery but I missed his calls and cheated myself and my mom out of a chance to say I love you. I think about her going into surgery scared and knowing that she may never get to talk to her only daughter again. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that.

 

I'm so sorry mom!! Please forgive me!

 

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Permalink Reply by Mark on March 22, 2013 at 2:28pm

Please Kathy if you dont mind me saying whats meant to be helpful, dont be really hard on yourself.  It wasnt like you conciously ignored the calls deliberately. You said you missed the calls etc.  Regardless, I can see by your writing you are sad.

 

I have found that many people benefit from grief groups, and or some kind of counselling with people who are experienced with this (loss etc). They say everyone grieves differently.  I have heard of some people not eating alot and others eating more (therefore gaining weight or losing weight); both situations are potentially bad.

 

Have you tried seeing a doctor for the health issues that could arise?  I hope you find peace, I have been down this road with grief and I am still travelling it.

 

 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on March 22, 2013 at 4:03pm

ysterday i had 1 of thm days kathy saw somthg on tv it brot it all bac lik the day my dad died 

i no i will never get ovr it the oly time i sea my dad is in dreams 

Permalink Reply by Kamala Kannan on March 25, 2013 at 6:14am

Dear Kathy,,,,Dont worry....

Your mother always loves you..because she is mother. and she does not expect sorry from childrens....because she gave birth to you......LOVE MOM.....

Permalink Reply by Sandy Thompson Harris on March 26, 2013 at 4:20am

Kathy,

I seem to be in the same space.  Being so strong for everyone else.  Do you think it is bad that we haven't had the emotional release you are talking about?  Do people have to have that to deal with grief?  I really don't know, but if it we do, I am on the same path as you.  Tears here and there, a few moments, but mostly deep pain.  Keep me advised of what you find.

Sandy

Permalink Reply by Kathy LaRue on May 5, 2013 at 3:16am

Hi, Sandy and Jo, thanks for responding to my comments. I've been doing a bit better as of late. My dad seems to be coping and spring is finally here. My mom loved birds and when I see them or hear them I can identify them and I think of how happy she would be for spring and to know that she taught me something. No one can ever replace my mom, but she's definitely a part of me. She's in my genes, she's in my thoughts, she's a part of my soul. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over the loss. I never will be, as loved ones cannot be replaced. But I am doing better than I was a couple of months ago.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I hope that you can find peace as well. I suppose grief is a process just like everything else in life. Live for the ones you've lost!

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