One holiday down - two more to go. I was afraid that it was going to be too emotional a day to be around anyone. The original plan was to send the kids off to their father's family so I could stay in bed all day alone with my tears and grief. For 2 months I have not given myself persmission to stay in bed and cry. There has been so much to do every single day that I couldn't give myself that time.

But my kids had other plans and were not having any of it. My son and I met my daughter in the city bright and early. We stood for hours waiting for the parade to begin. Thousands of people all around cheering on the marching bands, balloons and floats. Happy people; smiling faces. Were you standing there with us? Were you the one keeping us warm?

Through the years we had talked of going to the parade but it never got to happen. So this was for you as much as it was for me.

After the parade the kids and I went and had lunch. As was our tradition we went around the table - a noticably smaller table of three - and said what we were thankful for.

Out of the mouth of my 17 year old son he said this, "Mom I am thankful that you haven't lost your mind through all of this. I was so afraid you would crack and we'd lose you too. I am proud that you are trying to keep it together." Yes, my 17 year old son who has had no choice but to grow up faster.

I love you Michael. I have to remember to be thankful for all that we had - for all that you have given to me through these past dozen years. Yes, I have moments where I remember the tough times, times that sheds doubt on my heart. I try to fight against that. Someone told me yesterday that Michael loved me - the someone that said that didn't even know Michael but he felt that by seeing how my life was that there was love here between us. I want to believe that without any doubts. It's a struggle some days.