I go to bed at night knowing that I am going to bed alone.  But when I wake up for just a split second I think I can turn over and see his face laying next to me.  I wake up crying alot, but I know I have to let the tears come when they want to.  We were so involved in every aspect of each other's lives.  We woke up together, went to work together, worked together, came home together....Very few days were we apart.  I really don't know how to just be "Kelly" after being "Anthony and Kelly"…

Carols, funny Christmas songs...all of it, everyone of them brings flashes from the past, as well as knowing those Christmas's that will never be.   I am tired all of the time, the "why bothers" run things, the "who cares". The depression I already deal with is in a space that I have never really experienced before.  Can't sleep, and I have flashes of her last moments with me, my screaming on the inside for her to keep…

  My mother had spent the last 12 years of her life battling Breast cancer, and the last 2 years battling angiosarcoma as well as the after effects of a sub-arachnoid aneurysm.  She went through I can't tell you how many rounds of chemo as well as radiation.  She was a fighter, someone who told me that "cancer was her adventure" she never complained, she just went with whatever was going on.  She was strong enough to admit…

There is nothing more important or powerful in our lives than our faith. I have had a wonderful experience about a presence more powerful than ourselves. I have seen the movies, books and specials through out the media world about life after death, God, the Divine Source and Heaven. It is an amazing and mysterious subject matter, which captures the attention of millions no matter what faith they practice. My life has been embraced by heaven. I…

The tree still sits outside because without you to help put on the lights and drink Eggnog and Rum while I decorate there is no joy.

The gifts are sitting unwrapped in the wardrobe because I wont sign the tags and leave your name off.

No baking is done because who will taste them as they come out of the oven and tell me if they are good or bad.

Our house is the only one on our block without Christmas lights on it because I dont know how to make them all…

Doing something I shouldn't be doing - going back and reading my journals from years ago. Unhappy years that were very painful for me. There were so many times I wanted to leave you and never look back. Just this time last year I had found about "her" and I wanted to leave but realized that I wanted it to work more than I wanted to leave. I loved you and wanted us.

We were not the love story you promised me. In my insecure head I thought it was something I was or was not doing. So I…

Hello! Long time so write! Over the last year I have been taking stock of my life and my faith. Alot has happened. My daughter and my granchildren have moved away because my daughter finally has someone to love her, respect her and treat in the way she deserves. This new man has taken such good care of my granchildren that you cant tell he is not their biological father. He is a father to in every aspect of the word. Although it broke my heart a little to see them go, I understand…

HI,

I am a new member of this grief group. I lost my mother to Alzheimers disease August 4, 2012.  

I feel like my life is one huge waiting game. spent 2 years to find a closure to Bills death. Than derek Passing a year and a half later. Another waiting game. The kid that hit him has been going through the judicial system. watching my surving son eric hurting over the loss of his big brother and his twin.  all the tears we have had for them. the kid to a blind plea so a judge will decied  on his punishment they are capping his jail term to 5.5 years. This kid killed one and critical…

Hi, my name is Chloe and this is the first time I have attempted to get any type of grief counseling since I lost my husband of 20 yrs and my mother very unexpectedly in 2009.  I have tried several different ways to move on but I just do not seem able to do that.  Their deaths seems like it was just yesterday to me and each day when I wake up I must remind myself that all this is really real and not just a bad dream.  However, I do fight sleep a lot because I have such horrific dreams. …

No matter what I love you. There isn't a minute that you are not in my heart and all around me. No matter what I love you. Everyone keeps telling me I have to try and move on. No matter what I love you. People tell me to stop crying because you wouldn't want me to be this sad. No matter what I love you. They all mean well I know and when/if the day comes and I do move on I am sure some will judge me for my actions. No matter what I love you. Please don't be mad at me for trying to heal. No…

The first time we met - face to face was 12 years ago this past Sunday. So in  honor of that day I took the first trip to the cemetary to lay a blanket of pine boughs on your grave.

I drove the entire 5.5 hours talking to you, singing to you, crying for you. It took me a little time to find your grave since there is only a very small 3x1 marker with some numbers. A stone can't be placed till the Spring. But I found it under a shade of beautiful birch tree. Took a blanket so I could…

I have not been looking forward to weekends for a while now.  they don't mean as much to me any more.  This weekend though my big sister was coming down and that should have made me feel better, but when she called and said she was on her way and we were going to go Christmas shopping my heart started racing.  I had an anxiety attack that got so bad I had to lay down and put a cold wash cloth on my head.  I did not want to disappoint her, but that was the worst feeling in the world.  I could…

Anthony,

 When we had these talks about what happened if one of us died, those were for my knowledge....I am the sick one. I told you, I told you, I told you, I can't do this without you. When I found your lifeless body in your car, I wanted to die! What happened? I keep kicking myself in the ass for giving you space and just going inside.....I should have brought you in with me. I should have came out sooner.....I should have.........something! I know you hate seeing me in pain but…

Dear Michael,

Are you watching me? Then you know that yesterday after I came out of church there was a message from Cheryle that she wanted to take me to lunch and out shopping. I returned her call and we agreed on 11am. I made some phone calls but didn't get far. Seems every step I take regarding the businesses I get pushed back double. You know how rough this week was, there is no money coming in, only money going out. I feel like I am drowning in all the legalities and…

The weekends don't seem to mean much any more.  I spend them at home with my kids, when they are not busy.  This morning was really hard,  I woke up in tears again because I was facing his side of the bed and he was not there.  I use to get up before him and fix the coffee and wait until I heard the bedroom door open, watch him walk down the hall and say "good morning baby, do you want some coffee".  I still wait here to hear that door open and watch him walking down the hall with that smile…

For the past 12 years I have driven by that bridge that crosses a reservoir. Never going over the bridge but telling myself that it would make for a great run/jog across. I even mentioned it to you a few times. Always looking for a new place to hike or just be outside you would have thought that I would have done it by now. Guess I can now check it off my list.

I got a phone call while I was driving and needed a place to pull over. There I was at the end of the bridge. After I got off…

Michael, can you hear me? I need help and a push in the right direction. Is that allowed from Heaven? Losing you wasn't bad enough but now I am faced with losing the house, the business and my sanity. Help me! The family is counting on me to pull through.

I can't keep teetering on the brink of insanity. God please hold me up and give me guidance to get through all of this. The feeling of lonliness is overwhelming me and I am afraid that I don't have the strength to get through…