Today is a dark gloomy day. It seems like everything i have tried to do to make today a good day just wont stick. I miss mom so much. I feel lost without her. i feel like "how do i live without here"? i mean damn at some point it has to start to get better right?

  On the 27th, it will be two years since Matt died. 

  The thing that hurts the most now is coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't everything I had thought he was. 

  Every day that I'm blessed to spend with my new husband shows me what Matt was not. 

  Do I miss Matt? Sometimes. Did I love him? I had fallen out of love with him, but I loved him as a person, as a friend. Do I think he was a bad person? Not really. I think he was a depressed person who made bad…

Ist of all Iam really really tired. Grief, depression,My screwed up work schedule, worry my prostate cancer will reappear,hormon shots(side effects) the total mess my wife made of my life(psychologically I did not have the will or motivation to stop it) etc etc etc oh did I say overweight . Trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life(by myself or what ever) At 65 Iam thrust out in the world deciding how bad it would be to die from hight blood pressure or cancer in my bones or…

I have been down with a cold the last week, all it has done is give me time to think. And i am done i am so done with being tired from ACTING happy at work, So done with being tired all the time because i can't sleep or don't  get enough sleep. I never knew that greif would take so much out of you. Will i ever be normal again? Will the pain ever stop? I guess i am just sick and tired of being sick and…

ahh umm (not going nuts here) inpired by other posts,comments yes,life sucks other people are having a time no grief or sorrow and here we are suffering a loss. I was at the kitchen sink preparing my luch for work and thought if I don,t do something to change my life I don,t know what to do.It wasn,t the greatest life when she was here but at least I had someone,someone I loved regardless of her "behavior"

Iam sure if you read some of my posts you,ll get the idea. After almost 4…

As sad as I am that my brother passed away, the hardest part of dealing with it is watching my parents. The people that were once your rock are no longer your rock. I find myself asking my mom to do things that she constantly forgets, and its easy stuff and shes barely working while i work and go to school.  I saw a text on my mom's phone from my dad that said "I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life." I wanted to cry. Aren't I enough to not be miserable for? I know its hard…

Well, sleep is not my friend again apparently.  I have been having lots of nightmares, waking up in panic attacks, and just not being able to fall asleep at all.  It had been better for a couple months so it surprised me that it was being such a problem again.  Tonight as I sit here at 1:30am writing and thinking I think I figured it out.  My mind is rebelling against the steps forward I have taken.  Ever since I decided to get back to work I think is when it started to get bad again.  But…

i dont no wer we wud be with out the inter net and this web site whish is a big help to every 1 and geting yore fealings downn wish duze help 

Well now it's 9 months and counting.   I miss you always and forever times infinity.  This last week has been absolutely amazing.  It started out the same ol same ol it's been these last 9 month's carrying all of the garbage inside and wondering how much longer I can take it and asking over and over why did this all happen.  And then  BAM!  It happened.  The moment I never even remotely thought would happen.  The gift.  A gift that offers me a release from some of the pain.  That portion of…

I have read a members posting here about God . I believe God was there when My Wife breathed her last breath and suddenly I am in the cruel world on my own.I depended on her for  guidance as it were .I was going down the wrong path with her.I really didn,t have much of a life as a I perceived it In our last years did we have shared intimate moments,I suppose in our own way.Well anyway let me leave it at that.

I think it should have been me instead of her breathing my last breath.I…

Today is a down day. I am just feeling low and really missing mom.

 It's hard to go day to day without her. And then my mind starts in with:

 …

Hi! My birthday was yesterday and I stumbled on 3 cards from my mom and dad which brought me to tears. They in my heart, prayers and mind every single day. A lot of my friends say get over it but it just doesn't work that way. Don't let anybody tell you that either because it is not true. I am fighting everyday with the emptiness because they were so important to me. I have tried to get help but it has been practically impossible. There is one…

 A Thousand words could not bring you back...I know because I tried....A thousand tears could not bring you back.....I know because I cried....I really miss you mom,although your soul is at rest and your body free from pain. The world would be like heaven if I had you back again. You're always in my thoughts no matter where I go,always in my heart,because I loved you so. However long my life might last,whatever land I might view,whatever joy or grief is mine I still remember you I really…

I am new to this site. I hope having people to talk to who know how i feel and understand will help me. When my mom died, it was like something inside me snapped. I feel lost, empty and all alone. I have a little sister she will 22yrs but she does not talk about what happened. I think that's how she deals with it.…

I went to a psychologist (weekly vist ) I don,t know what are you suppoosed to say. Iam sad ,I miss my wife,I want to commit suicide (I don,t ).I asked this guy about some groups and he said"I suppose I would look into it. Iam tired of myself.I keep wanting to get a massage(a real one).I cann,t bring myself to do it.Ref :Getting tired of myself. My alter ego says"get your ass in there(massage place) ugh I hate myself. I have my own little nighmares during the day about my wife dying.. I go…

Last night yet again the monsters in my mind came out to play.  I was back in the hospital with my husband thinking he was kidnapped and held against his will.  We were holding him down so the nurses could inject the medication to calm him and he was fighting us all.  My husband had terrible clastrophobia so being held down was its own hell.  All of a sudden it was me being held down, I was Tom I guess and I was feeling all the terror he had felt.  God it was aweful.  I woke up in a full…

Well I have had a few allright days...had a bad night the other night, couldnt sleep at all, but wasnt sad, or crying. Just couldnt turn my brain off. Today I'm listening to music, and going thru pictures...a song came on that made me think of my father, and here starts the waterworks. This sucks. Ill post the song lyrics for you...the song is Leave out all the rest by Linkin Park.

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one…

Iam going to buy the most outlandish designed sheet and put it on the bed.I suppose one could go one step further and sell the bed my wife sleeped on . Its almost new bed

everyone grieves differently (thats been said right!) I have some spells(flashbacks) of her last breath. This puts me on the ground,not literally.I gave most of her clothes to goodwill,keep some dresses. There is so much personal belongings both hers and mind.

You collect all this stuff and eventually you pass…

well I read members blogs and have ideas for my blog.Its odd I feel like I have been living in a vacuum my whole life.Everything was further complicated by a pretend marriage and the passing of my wife.Especially by the death of my wife.So I carry a unconsciousness goal of maby dying.As anyone can share ,death is a mystery.My poor wife was turned into a vegetable by the witch doctors a St edwards South austin hospital.So maby I can be pumped full of pain killers and die a no nothing…

Beginning with Completion presents: 

The Possibility of Grief without Suffering:  A roundtable discussion before a live audience on alleviating emotional pain while coping with loss.

A panel of experts practicing a spectrum of emotional, spiritual and artistic healing techniques will address the big question: By clearing away chronic complaints, grudges and past injuries – how can we make room for forgiveness, reconciliation…