I lost my beloved father, rip, in January 2020 to rupture of a large aneurysm. He did not know he had it. His death was sudden. On the day rupture happened, I was able to get to the ED in time where he was still barely conscious. I told him he would be okay, that I am with him. He tried to respond but was unable to. The bleeding was huge and docs could not reverse the effects of blood thinners my dad was on. Because of the damage to his brain, he was intubated, sedated and put on pain medications. I stayed with him all along. Docs told me and my mom that my father was dead when they could not find anysigns of brain functions. He was brain dead within 24 hours. Yet, his heart beat and we refused to take him off of the ventilator. I did not sleep at all Thursday and Saturday. I just couldn't. I held my father's hand, talked to him and sat in silence. At times I cried, at times I didn't. His heart gave me a speck of hope. Then, early Saturday morning, his heart stopped beating. Docs told us on Thursday they will not resuscitate, and they refused that Saturday morning. I now have guilt for not trying to resuscitate myself. I question God whether my providing CPR would have helped?
The moment of heart death, I just stared at my dad, rip. I felt empty. I didn't know why I was not wailing, screaming. Since that Saturday, I have cried on and off. Then this emptiness overtakes me. And I hate it. Deep in my soul I want to show emotions, want to cry, but sometimes I can't. And it's tearing me apart because it adds to my feelings of guilt that I already have.
I have been visiting my dad's grave almost every day. Each time I would cry. Yesterday, I sat in my car in the cemetery, near my dad's grave, and screamed, wailed and cried. Today I went and nothing.
My father was my world. He was a fantastic father. Showed his love for me every chance he got. Sacrificed so much. As an only child, I was his princess. So, why, why am I not crying more? What is wrong with me? What kind of daughter am I?! I feel like I am letting my father down. And I don't want that!
Everything reminds me of him. I constantly think of him, look at his pictures. Sometimes I listen to saved voicemail from him. Memories and things bring tears. Yet, I can't seem to cry.
I feel awful. I love and miss him so much.
