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Permalink Reply by Alma P on August 4, 2020 at 6:46am

Hi Faith, 

I've lost a few of dear people in my life. This recent one was in December 2019. He was a man that meant more to me than I could explain or predict. I would have let that guy marry me. He was one of my best friends. He took his own life last year. For a while, the guilt from not being a good enough friend to him ate at me. I kept replaying the previous year and every conversation we had. I searched for the moment, the opening, the one I missed. The one where I could have said something different or maybe done something different. Then there was the denial half of me unwilling to accept that he was gone. So one half was in denial which would sit and argue with my other half that felt the guilt which was trying to find where I messed up. Then I kept looking down at my phone, it was so silent. He wasn't texting everyday like he used to... he wasn't calling or leaving me sound snippets. The quiet was maddening. The separation was debilitating. The suddenness was shocking. I am still having issues with it. I am even having issues reconnecting to others, especially men. I joined this social community so I could have somewhere to let it out where people understand. I have a lot of people in my life that do not quite get it. They ask me to tell them about it and when I do... their replies tell me that they weren't going to be able to stay on my level long enough to reconnect me back here. So of course, I'm here in my grief... and it feels lonesome. 

My condolences for the loss of your friend and also of your father. I too have lost my father, to cancer, years ago. I can't even imagine what its like to lose your father to suicide. I imagine that it is extremely haunting. 

My heart goes out to you

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