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Comment by Josephine Crawford on February 19, 2020 at 4:46pm

Thanks Ammy. I sometimes feel guilty when I am happy. Yes it takes time. Continued to all.

Comment by Sue M on February 17, 2020 at 3:11pm

Hello mommas 

Nice to have your words and well wishes here. We all know this journey all too well. There are days u dread as well, and on those days we all have, we just need to be very gentle with ourselves. That's something I'm learning to do, as well as choose happiness when I can. I know my son wants that for me. 

Sending you all a big hug. 

Sue

Comment by Teresa D. on February 14, 2020 at 7:44pm

Support is always here when you need it. Hugs to all.

Comment by Ammy on February 14, 2020 at 7:36pm

Thank you Josephine.  I agree that we need to be able to laugh, but it usually takes time for that to start.  I honestly feel good when I can laugh at something or with someone.  It's like a medicine, but it took time for me to enjoy laughter.
I am sorry that you are already dreading Sunday, but I understand.  These dates are forever hard and never forgotten.
I hope that the angels will sing to DeMarco on his special day, but I don't think it will really matter to him. Take comfort in that.  I'm sure he is at peace and waiting just as we all are for that day we will all be together again.
Hugs and prayers for you and all the moms that are here.

Comment by Josephine Crawford on February 14, 2020 at 5:16pm

Teresa, Ammy and Sue,
I understand and share your pain. Yes, I too feel like a different version of myself and going forward has been a struggle.

Ladies, they would have wanted us to be happy. I sometimes feel guilty when I find myself laughing. But, I must laugh and cry too. It is all apart of my life experiences and the way I respond.

It is wonderful that we can connect this way. Let us keep supporting each other. DaMarco would have been 22 years Sunday February 16 and I am dreading the day. I would have given up anything just to hear his voice again. Anything just to hug him. The Master had a different plan.

Ladies, I wish for you peace and complete happiness as we reflect on our loved ones. Peace my sisters. Peace.

Comment by Sue M on February 14, 2020 at 8:56am

Hello Ammy and Teresa

isnt this odd, I woke this morning thinking of my son Corey, as I do and thought also of this group and that it didn't seem anyone was here anymore. I'm new and don't know you both, but I know and share your pain. I too have lost me, I too wear the mask. It slipped yesterday when I broke my rule of talking to a stranger of him. I felt shell shocked and stunned and deeply wounded the rest of the day and could hardly function. I woke this morning, if you could call that sleeping last night and thought of my son and how I haven't felt him with me. 

I miss him so much, his wisdom, his humour, the way he said hi to me, so distinctive and warm, we could talk for hours and about everything and it would leave me feeling warm and fuzzy. I felt loved by him. 

He took his life, I was out of the country, I wasn't there. The pain of that will never leave me. 

Im grateful to see you both this morning, knowing we are bonded in our deep understanding of what our lives are like now and what we feel. 

Big hugs from me, Sue

Comment by Ammy on February 14, 2020 at 8:48am

Teresa, I do remember you and about your son Michael.  I hope the angels sing him the lovliest birthday song today and I can only pray that somehow you can find some peace today.  I know how hard these dates are.  I even still have harder days every Wednesday, I counted them up until last year sometime.  Had to try and make myself stop and try to move on, but will still remember often how many weeks it has been.  Too many now.  500 this past Wednesday.  And I wonder how can that be.  
I'm happy for you that you made a good friend.  I also am blessed that I connected with someone on here and we also consider ourselves 'sisters'.  It does help because no one that hasn't lived through this can truly understand.
Hugs and prayers.  May the Lord give you comfort.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 14, 2020 at 8:05am

Today is Valentine's Day, it would have been Michael's 37th Birthday.  It's been 7 years and I'm sitting here melting down.

The first two years, are a blur. All I remember is crying and hurting to my core.  I also don't know how I got to and from locations because I would stare at the guard rail and think one quick turn of the steering wheel and I could end this misery.  But then I would think of my daughter and how mad she would be at me. But I still had those thoughts the next day.

It took me 3 years to have what I called my "reality moment" that was the moment that I had to admit to myself that Michael, my son my baby, was dead.  It was also the moment I stopped trying to negotiate with God.  Every night I went to sleep begging and pleading for his return and every morning I woke up disappointed. 

Here it is 7 years later, still can't function on the day he came or the day he left.  

I've learned to wear the fake face, even though it cracks on occasion.  I'm still working on managing the pain, haven't master it at al.

Every time I have to attend one of my nieces or nephews weddings or baby shower, I always end up running away to cry.  My family doesn't get me anymore and doesn't seem to know the old me is never returning.

Ammy your right...you run out of words and feel repetitive.  This group helped me a lot in the beginning.  I did connect with someone from this site and to this day we are great friends.  I call her my sister and I just couldn't survive this without her.  

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TO MY MICHAEL!!!! MOMMY LOVES AND MISSES YOU BUDDY!!! I MISS YOUR VOICE, I MISS YOUR LAUGHTER, I MISS OUR LONG CONVERSATIONS, HELL I JUST MISS ALL OF YOU!

Hugs to everyone....

Comment by Sue M on January 27, 2020 at 11:34pm

Hello Ammy 

thank you for your message, and yes I understand at some point we all need to step back and allow ourselves to move further down our path and that constant reminders can harm us. I have felt this way at times too. Big hug to you too and a prayer that life is smoother and richer for your future.

sue

Comment by Ammy on January 27, 2020 at 4:07pm

Hello Sue M & Shirelle, I am sorry for your loss.  I know the pain well.  And like Sue said, it does get "less sharp".  I don't think it ever goes away but definitely less intense.
We lost our son nine and a half years ago and not a day goes by that I don't remember him and miss him.  The tears still come but not as constant.
When I was on here almost every day there were a few of us moms here.  As time went on and a couple of years passed they slowly stopped coming as often.  I too stopped as I think we had said everything we could.  It becomes repetitive and for me it even became more painful.  That probably doesn't make sense right now, but someday it might.
I hope you both will stay here and help each other and maybe new members too.  I am no longer on the Internet as much as I was back then but I still get notices so I check in once in awhile.
Regretfully there is nothing that can make this pain go away, but it can be eased sometimes having someone else going through it with you.
My heart feels your grief.  I believe that the thing that may have helped me the most was just trying to stay in the day and trying not to look ahead or look back too often.
We each travel our own grief road and hopefully find something that helps us get through it.
Hugs and prayers for you both.       

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