Does it ever end?

It been nearly three years since my mom died. I still cry every day. They say the pain will dull in time and for it increased as the days goes by. I can't help thinking if I had kept my mouth shut would she be alive today?.... Did me mentioniong the DNR kill her?

I feel my only happiness is when I die. I'm so tired of living. So tired of putting on a happy face.

The holidays for the most part are not bad. We only celebrate thanksgiving and I work all holidays. Lol my boss gave off thanksgiving!
I feel so tired,...so tired of the pain...there are days I skip meals ,....I just feel so alone. No one can relate. My mom was my only family and now I have nothing. I cared for her for many years and now I have nothing. I just wish I was dead!

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Avi on October 23, 2018 at 4:13am

Hi Betty

I can understand your pain as I lost my mom on 15 May 2018. It is still very demotivating to live as I am not only fighting with grief of losing my mother but also guilt of not taking complete care of her during her cancer days. 

But I will request you to find motivation to live in helping others. This is the best way we can serve our lives by helping others who are in need. Please check your surroundings, there will be some one who needs help. 

Thanks

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on October 23, 2018 at 9:27am

Hello Betty Ellsworth, "nobody can relate"!.    How very true this is!.  I lost my wife to bowel cancer in 2014, we were married 22 years.

I dont know the trick to getting and feeling better, but I do know that somehow we both have to.

Life is a real bastard when we lose someone close to us.

I lost my mum several years ago, she fell over and that was that, I felt like an orphan, but nothing could have prepared me for losing my wife.

Permalink Reply by Brett Bowman on October 23, 2018 at 2:02pm

Betty, I want to say something to help you. I just don't know what that something is. I haven't got a clue because I am still brokenhearted myself.

I feel like I can relate to you. I hope it's at least a comfort to know that you're not alone.

Permalink Reply by Virginia G on October 25, 2018 at 3:27am

Betty,

I can relate to you in many ways unfortunately.  I am an only child, still live with my Dad but we are not close.  My Mom is my best friend.  

I feel extreme guilt for not using the respirator, even though I dont think she wanted it.  I wonder, what if and WHY didn’t I make the doctors do something and why didn’t I talk to the doctors more like I usually do and what was wrong with me?  I went over and over it again and again.  I have no answers.  And it feels horrible to think that I could have done something.  I mean I’d go around squirting hand sanitizer in her hands all the time, trying to protect her in every way possible and then when it counts, I do nothing?  We were so careful about everything our whole lives and then I ruin everything in an instant.  I can’t live with that.

I hate life, I’m always tired or nervous, I’m completely alone, I don’t always eat, and I want to die.  

And Christmas was our favorite time, she’s like Mrs. Claus so I’m not spending it without her.

Permalink Reply by Sun on October 29, 2018 at 7:40am

Hi Betty

I wish I could find a good reply for you. I  feel deep loneliness and sadness since the death of my mother last  month.My wish is to die like her. Iam Crying everyday, go to work even on weekend, skipping meals, feeling like a homeless person as I believe in "Home is here mum is". My mum was all my life and my only family. My psychiatric advised me that I should socialize even I found it hard now, go outdoors, volunteer in charity campaigns. I am just trying to follow his instruction now and hopefully they can be useful for us.

regards   

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