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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on September 25, 2018 at 3:37pm

Hi Beth,

So sorry for your loss. I lost my Husband 5 years ago and still have not come to grips with it. I still see my Psychiatrist every month and am on meds. They say with time you will feel better, but for me I feel worse as time goes by. I hate living without him and would like to do away with my life, but my beliefs as a Lutheran I was told if you take your own life than we will never she each other. So I go each day hoping I don't wake up the next day. 

Permalink Reply by Geri on September 25, 2018 at 7:34pm

Hi Beth,

I had a good counselling session last week in which we discussed the 'moving on' terminology. My counsellor was the first one to acknowledge how 'offending' these words are. He suggested it is better to use 'moving with' so in some sense there is comfort in taking our loved one with us. 

I am only 5 months into this horrendous journey so I can only imagine how worn out you are. I feel on days I have no tears left to cry.

There are no words that will take away the pain. What I started doing about 2 months ago was volunteering for charities and schools. It has kept my mind busy on most days even though my thoughts still wander to my husband. At night I phone friends who afford me the time to just listen or talk about their life to distract me. I also took up badminton two nights a week with a friend and when I feel the anxiety and tears building I quickly call a sister or friend to come and walk with me locally. The only thing I am doing is 'controlling' my days so that there is something on everyday to help with the loneliness. I talk to and about my husband every chance I get. 

I recently went through Father's Day and our 27th Anniversary. They were horrid days. I have never spent either of them without my love and it hurt beyond belief. I was lucky to have my children support me through my anniversary and spend the whole day with me doing everything that my husband loved to do. I went to the cemetery on my own and started sobbing. As soon as I did, out of nowhere came a dragonfly that buzzed near me 5-6 times. There was nothing else around. I really felt comforted believing my husband was there watching out for me, protecting me like he always has done.

I have decided to go back to work in two weeks. I'm not sure how this will go but I will be controlling my days and it will give me routine.

I am here to listen anytime you need to chat Beth.