Total numbness

It is nearing 2 years since I lost my husband, and I have one week where I think things might be getting better, then the next week I crash into darkness again.
I keep thinking something must really be wrong with me since my family gives me all these platitudes about moving on. I try, I really do, but NOTHING interests me. I have joined groups, friends ask me to do things, I have a part time job, but I have lost all energy. When I am home, I sleep until noon hoping the day will pass quickly.I sit and watch TV and sometimes don't even realize what I am watching. There is a numbness setting in and it feels like this must be total depression. I was such a positive, happy person, so I do not know how to deal with new one.
I now have a bottle of sleeping pills, and I am starting to think that I could just swallow a bunch, go to bed, and this will be all over. I don't know what is waiting, but it is better than this. Hopefully, I would join my husband, that would be paradise!
Dreaming of not having this pain is so comforting. I just cannot think of many years going by and enduring this life. Why would anyone choose to do it?
I read how we are all going through this horrible pain, and it makes me so sad for all of us.
Why is this so very hard?

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Beth Swansboro on November 7, 2017 at 7:45am

I lost my husband 2 years this month. I to felt that just taking the pills left from his illness I could go and join him. I have 1 son and knew I could not do that, I got help. I am on some meds. I go still through counseling. I feel like you do. I lost my best friend. I enjoy not much anymore. My friends mean well, but I sometimes close them out along with my church. I still cry and miss him every day. Not able to give you advice other than to say your husband would never want you to do that, nor would mine. I just take one day at a time and a lot of days are not good ones. Don't nave a magic cure for this. Talk to a professional and keep in touch here. People know how hard this is. Take Care. God Bless.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 7, 2017 at 3:15pm

Beth,

It's 4 years 6 months since I lost to the horrible disease cancer, I still have a therapist that I see every two weeks so I can stay sane, I just take each day and hope one day I won't wake up and I will be with him, my soulmate.

Permalink Reply by Maxey on December 29, 2017 at 4:25pm

Thanks to all who gave of your time to give me some comfort.  It seems oddly reassuring that others feel this ache and pain of loss. Somehow, even though we do not know one another personally, I feel a bond with all of you.  Grief is only understood by those of us who have experienced it.  No one else can imagine the pain, nor do they want to.  I try to remember that when I was happy, I did not really think of people who were enduring grief.  My life was too content to have someone talk of loss and being sad, so, those of us who mourn are, unfortunately, in a select group.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 30, 2017 at 5:36am

Maxey,

I drew a lot of comfort this year from this site and you are right we are the only people who know what hell we are going though.

Permalink Reply by Vicki on January 24, 2018 at 8:04pm

OMG , it's as if we are all one person. I totally feel the same exact way.  It will be 2 yrs in April and it feels like it's just getting worse. Everything I do everywhere I go, I want him there. It feels incomplete, not fun, just like going thru the motions but not really enjoying anything. The family feels incomplete without him. I have 2 kids (13 and 20) and I just want us ALL back together.   I always loved our family unit and he was the best father ever. Always with the kids, out, dining, boating, movies, EVERYTHING. I see a therapist every 2 weeks and that is the only thing that keeps me going. I break down and let it all out, which I cannot do anywhere else or in front of anyone else.  I highly recommend therapy. ALL THE BEST. JUST HANG ON. SENDING TONS OF LOVE OUT TO EVERYONE. 

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on January 25, 2018 at 6:35am

Vicki,

They say that complicated grief is different for everyone but despite that I feel so lost without my Husband, even after five years. THANK GO FOR THIS WEBSITE. Love to you all that share their feelings. 

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Permalink Reply by Marjorie Willcox on February 4, 2018 at 11:40am

Maxey I feel just the same. I have 3 grown up boys and feel ashamed that I just want out of this pain. I can't risk taking a load of pills because I would more than likely botch it & end up in hospital and then back in mental hospital when I had a breakdown 3 months after my husbands sudden death 17 months ago

Permalink Reply by Alison J on February 4, 2018 at 7:25pm

Maxey,

I'm coming up on the second anniversary of my beloved husband's death and I share your doubts about commitment to a future without my dear husband. I have been told that the second year is harder than the first, and it was for me, because in 2017 I began to acknowledge that he was never coming back to me on this plane of existence. Ouch.

The year before my husband's death, my ex killed himself. We'd been divorced for 13+ years, but I saw him from time to time in town, and his death was a terrible, painful shock. I am grateful to the Universe that my husband and our friends were fully present in my life at that time, and they saw me through it. 

Please believe that you deserve to be happy, as we all do.  Please take care of yourself.  You're smart, you're kind and you're important (that's my favorite line from the movie "The Help"). My most fervent hope today is that you found the kind of support that you need.  Peace.  

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on February 5, 2018 at 5:53am

To All,

This quote has helped me go on.

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