My dad died in January, after at least 12 years with Alzheimer's. I took care of him at home the entire time, until he fell, was in terrible pain, and suddenly it seemed died. I'm still in the house we shared, and sometimes it's very difficult to be here. This is one of those days when I have no plans, it's grey, wet and cold out, and I don't know what I'll do. The house needs cleaning, stuff needs to be given away or organized, but so much of the time I'm too depressed/grief stricken to do anything. My plan is to stay in the house & fix it up (many years of deferred maintenance), but I have to buy my brother out first, and he's being a pill. He owes the estate a lot of money, and instead of owning up to it, is calling me names and threatening to sue. I am the trustee of the trust & executor of dad's estate, and my brother doesn't like the apparent control and power I have I'm sure.

After spending so many years cooped up here with dad, I'm finally going on a vacation. Thanks to hospice, I used to get 5 day/night breaks, but could never go far. I'm headed to Hawaii and meeting my cousin and her husband there. I'm anxious about it, because I haven't been far from my house in years! Trying to calm myself, looking at websites for activities, restaurants, etc. I have a lot of food allergies, and I know my cousin doesn't want to cook. I know I'll be OK, but I tend to have a lot of anxiety. I do have a hospice counselor who still comes to talk, and Monday I'll see a counselor from my medical insurance again. There are times I wish I had someone to see every day who understands grief. Some people think I should just be happy with my new freedom and get on with whatever my new life brings, and I wish I could.