Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 31, 2017 at 10:15pm

Richard,
I'm sorry, I don't know exactly how....But asking about it when you go to the welfare office is a good first step. Let them know you are finding it difficult, emotionally and practically, to navigate all the agencies and forms and procedures you need to deal with in order to get the help you need, and that you need some help with that stuff. Hopefully then they will put you in touch with a Social Worker or similar who can help.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 1, 2017 at 5:43pm

Really scares me? The fact that I had a normal life before December 1 and it all ended torn away December 2 and I have been living this nightmare of a new life and the scariest thing of all continues to be so is the fact that I am so totally alone when I sleep when I eat where I go I don't want the silence follows me and the madness start to crave what's left of my sanity .

I found myself crying in the middle of the street and having to sit on the bench or sit in the front of the building baby my wife Annette why did you leave me behind? Why want to come for me? I can't stand being alone anymore please honey say something to something you don't leave me behind

I found myself crying in the middle of the street and having to sit on the bench or sit in the front of the building without my wife Annette. why did you leave me behind? Why won't you come for me? I can't stand being alone anymore please honey say something. Do Something. you can't leave me behind!

That is my new life.what I don't understand how or why. I don't think no one ever does understand. right now I'm alone in the bedroom sitting by myself and I wake up again screaming because of another damn nightmare. the guilt of surviving, thinking I could've been a better husband instead of a failure That let her down. Dear god, this is the end result of what's left of my life. something no human being should endure or could.

Anyone out there completely alone with no family or friends or children and Have lost their loved one? Is there anyone else living alone and in the home or apartment trying to get to through the day?

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 3, 2017 at 8:16pm

It's now 9 PM Monday and I'm sitting here alone once more and it still feels so unnatural not to have my wife Annette laying in bed beside me watching TV the way we were used to. that empty space is a literally tearing me apart. What can do?

Every day so far I sit alone, I eat alone. I sleep alone. the solitude continues without any mercy. I still look back at the life we once had.

I keep crying nonstop every day I'm just so tired I want the misery to end.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 7, 2017 at 3:26pm

Been the worst week. things are getting worse for me mentally and physically and find myself now breaking down crying,
sobbing in public. I feel ashamed. all I want is to be with my wife and that's it. that's all I ever needed.

I am suffering on a level that is inhuman. My mind is already falling apart and I find myself sitting on the floor with my grotesque body, my guilt, my profound loneliness that's never-ending .

I'm still trying to find myself a new purpose but there's just nothing there, nothing at all. I am simply a non-person now.

it is terrifying knowing there is nothing left in this world for me. no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to care about health, finances, nothing just existing and waiting for life to finish me off. This is truly torture merciless unabated torture .

Tonight it's Friday night and I will sit in the bedroom silent hoping praying that this torture tonight it's Friday night and I will sit in the bedroom silent hoping praying that this torture ranch ends.

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on April 7, 2017 at 3:44pm

If you feel ashamed for breaking down in public, more people have been there than you know. You bolt to find the nearest solitude bathroom stall, nearest corner will you can be out of view, or wear sunglasses inside stores to hide. No reason to feel ashamed Richard. If anything our culture and society should feel ashamed for living so fake, phony, and naive. Maybe that's just my disgust talking.

Yes, inhumane. Exactly how this feels. Debilitating grief is something I would wish on my worst enemy because I can't think of anything else worse besides some other form of torture.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 7, 2017 at 11:36pm

It's now midnight Friday. I've just woken up shouting and screaming again my wife's name. I keep seeing her blue lips swollen face God please take Away the Pain and agony from my soul.

I have no one. no wife. no children. no friendships. no employment. just misery, pain and suffering nonstop and I want it to stop.

It's not fair. I'm so tired and I am still suffering and I am weak. I can barely walk.

I can feel it today getting worse my body is growing weaker pain is becoming more intense.
I can feel it today getting worse my body is growing weaker the pain is becoming more intense.

I continue to find myself passing out, going unconscious only to find myself in various areas of my apartment like the kitchen floor, bedroom, bathroom.

in every case, if I hold something in my hand it always seems to fall from my hand. . The phone, a TV remote or wallet or keys; whatever. Any object i hold in my palm, I am not aware that I am holding anything . every few seconds I pass out and drop whatever I'm holding.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 8, 2017 at 11:39am

I'm going slowly insane. The grief is literally ripping what's left of my sanity.

I don't know how much longer I'll last.

I looked over my medical records from my last visit to the hospital m. it shows i have blockages in various areas of my heart.

I have an abnormal EKG.

The edema and massive swelling of lymphatic fluid in my stomach and groin has made it so I am forced to walk slightly bo-legged to accommodate the massive swelling.

I won't fight this but I pray that whatever time I have left is soon. I can't survive the pain and grief of my life any more.

How long must this agony continue?

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 10, 2017 at 12:16pm

I stumbled on a web site and a question was asked which I'm hoping to get an opinion from those here. It may be a taboo subject so please excuse the long question but when I read it, it really hit me with a huge question mark.

Question:
If a surviving spouse has no children, no family beyond their deceased spouse, no property, no financial obligations, just day to day existence with each day blurring into the other, and living with unabated grief an misery, do they have the right to end their life to be with their loved one in the afterlife?

I know this may be a touchy subject but I still think it's an important enough question that it deserves a response.

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on April 19, 2017 at 4:38pm

Richard, regarding your question on suicide I will say first off that I don't know what I personally believe on suicide other than I feel it's a fucking rip off one can kill themselves slowly by drugs or other lifestyle choices but to do it in one fell swoop is "wrong" by whomever.

Just recently I read this from a medium's website blog. A medium that, from what I understand, is legit. I'm only posting a portion of it. I don't know what I feel about it; it's just food for thought.

"When I (the medium) asked Spirit to describe Heaven and "Hell", I was told, Heaven is a dimension that is a level beyond the Earth plane where souls return after completing a task. It is a place of unconditional love even for the most troubled soul. There are different levels in this dimension depending on how you lived your life. I spoke to a mother whose son killed his girlfriend then shot himself. Hell for him was not seeing his girlfriend after he died and watching the suffering he caused his mother. A man committed suicide because he felt hopeless since he was not able to take care of his family. He felt they would be better off without him. He told me his Hell was watching his worst nightmare come true. His wife lost her home and he was seeing his family homeless. The humiliation, pain and suffering his family felt resonated throughout his soul. He eventually felt peace when his wife moved to Florida with distant family and found her way."

Don't feel like this answers your question in regard to having no children or family beyond Annette. It's the closest I got.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 18, 2017 at 5:20pm

I have to have more blood work done and I'm leaving tomorrow morning in the a.m. My nightmares continue. I keep seeing Annettes swollen face and eyelids.

M y black outs are getting worse. I really hurt myself when I fainted onto the floor only to wake up a few hours later on the cold floor

I can't stand it anymore . I'm so isolated. I'm also getting angrier by the day . The physical pain now is beyond tolerance. I told the Doctor I don't want prescription strength for fear of addiction. oh my God each day is the same. I. just want my old life back.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 18, 2017 at 5:44pm

Richard,
Perhaps you might want to consider getting a live-in health aid or the like, if your county or state would pay for it?

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on April 19, 2017 at 8:39pm

Blue:
That's a great idea. problem is I still have to qualify based on SS disability and that in itself is becoming dangerously unlikely.

I can only pray that I do get help from social services quickly enough since I'll be running out of money .

If not I will be trouble since I cannot move I literally will have to just sit outside if I'm infected again .

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