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Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on April 2, 2017 at 11:15am

Reply to all.  Today is Sunday........again.  Another Sunday without John.  He died 12/27/2015, on a Sunday.  He was up in the morning but weak.  I didn't like how he looked.  I know now that his body had been shutting down for two or three days.  He sat in his chair and I sat with him.  He kept asking if I was still his girl....over and over.  Asking if I still loved him.  What silly questions....over and over.  I know now he was sure this was his last day.  I sat at his feet and rubbed them.  His feet were cold.  I told him I thought he was dying, ( I didn't but I wanted to scare him into going to the E.R.) and I thought we should get him to emergency.  He almost yelled, "I'm not dying and I'm not dying to the hospital."  Seven hours later he died in ER from a Cardiac Arrest.  He passed out at home so for all intents he died where he would have wanted.  Every Sunday I relive this scene.  Every Sunday I cry more than usual.  I could have loved him more, spent more time in the room with him, the hell with food and laundry and a clean house.  I should have been with him.  I will never get another chance.  I know it's impossible but why doesn't he come for me.  IL want to be with him. I can't stand my life.  It feels good to write these words that I cannot say.  I just want John.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on April 2, 2017 at 3:02pm

Hi Oleta,

I agree I can't stand my life without my Husband.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on April 2, 2017 at 4:36pm

Hi Linda, Faith   et all,   In this chat room, we can say what we feel THANK GOD.  I'm so tired of that lady who smiles as if things are OK...Oh that's me.  I want to scream at people that "He's gone and he's never coming back".  But I put out what people want to see and hear. I just want to scream and scream some more until my voice is gone.  Aside from the fact that John died on a Sunday, sixty six weeks ago, Sundays are the loneliest days of all.  People are with their families'  enjoying one another's company.  I'm alone.  I have talked to my son on the phone today, that's it.  Thank God for him.  I swear to God if I weren't such a coward I'd do it, I'd join John.  Oh, I'm not going too.  I just wish he would come and take me away with him.  I should be grateful, there are people suffering from horrible illnesses.....this is a horrible illness that we suffer from.  One really is the loneliest number. There must be peace somewhere.

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