Main Ingredient Missing

I was in the midst of making soup the other day, and I discovered that a major ingredient, tomatoes, was not in my cupboard. I stood there thinking that this is what my life is like - I am missing the main ingredient - my husband.
He was there in all of my recipes in life: travel, love, discussions, humor, and companionship. Now all the recipes go unmade since he is gone. I have tried and tried to join life again; I have gone to meetings, joined activities, made new friends, moved to a different house, and have a part time job teaching. None have filled this vast void, and I do not know, after almost 16 months, where to turn next.
I read many discussions, and many of us are just waiting for it to end and to join our beloveds. Some days I think of all of us and weep. We are all out there existing and wishing for something that we cannot have.
I want the main ingredient so badly. I cannot ever make that recipe again, and it is destroying me.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Louise on February 15, 2017 at 3:32pm
I was thinking this myself, that my puzzle was complete and now I'm missing a piece that I can never put back. I am so low at the moment, I feel like I'm stuck in this eternal limbo wishing I could go back, not wanting to go forward without my husband and HATING where I am now. I'm so sorry you're going through this too Maxey xxx
Permalink Reply by Elynn m on February 15, 2017 at 7:40pm

Maxey,

      I can relate to you.  My husband has been gone 17 months.....and, like everyone else, I am waiting for the Lord to take me so I can see Joe again.   Joe was also the main ingredient in this house.   I miss him SO MUCH.   Wish I could tell him again that I love him ...like I tell everyone, if you have someone in your life that you love, TELL THEM  before it's too late.

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on February 15, 2017 at 9:05pm

It's been almost 14 months since John's death.  I just realized the other day that when I think of John, which is always, I never go too deep into my thoughts.  I always wondered why...then it came to me.  If I go too deep into that hole of misery and loneliness, of hearing his voice and smelling his scent, feeling his touch, I will never be able to climb back out.  There has not been one day when I haven't cried.  I ache for him.  We now belong to that club that no one wants to be a member of......I am beginning to think that I really have not dealt with his loss.  I thought I had/have been.  I haven't ....

Permalink Reply by morgan on February 15, 2017 at 10:29pm

I hate to be a downer but you will never be over the loss of your spouse.  That is not to make you more miserable because heaven knows we are all battling the constancy of the suffering but there is no way that I can see that the missing ever goes away.  I think it gets less in its frequency of painful meltdowns but for those whose relationship was deep I don't believe there is anything we can do to change the essence of grief.  

I am finding now after hitting four years I am formulating my destiny.  I see myself getting a little further down the line before I make any decisions but I hate what this life has become.  I can look from the outside in now, not only from the inside out.  I don't like who I am without the support of my husband because it has changed who I can be.  I have tried everything except drugs to return, recover, reconstruct myself and though I have less hours spent in total breakdowns the feelings of loss have not diminished at all, so doing anything to re: is futile.  How to occupy myself for the next twenty years does not appeal to me at all.   Will I make it?  I have no idea.  I have made it this far but not without the chronic emotional pain equivalent to a chronic physical pain.  Difference being no one can see it so I am assumed to be so much better.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  

Seeing myself being alone till whenever?   I cannot manage to swallow that prospect.  I don't know what I am going to do about it but as the time passes I get more angry about how I am expected to just get beyond how he was so important to my survival.  Not anything overt from family and friends, but because I am functioning better I can sense they think I am better.  Functioning better has nothing to do with it.  I had to get up and go to work, and shop for groceries etc from the beginning.  Yes, it was harder to do than now but it doesn't make it any more pleasurable as time goes on and no, I am not better.  Not at all.  Not in any way that counts.

So, I have several ingredients missing.  My heart, my soul. my love.  

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on February 16, 2017 at 6:40am

Morgan,

My thoughts are the same as yours, everyone thinks I am better, but inside I die a little more each day, Each morning I wake and try to get through another day, I just wish I could end this misery as I know I will never get over losing my Julian. 

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