I posted something earlier but thought I should not make a comment but rather tell my story.
My wife had major heart surgery on sept 27 they replaced the aortic valve and the entire aorta. She came out and we started her long recovery just like thousands of other open heart patients do. And 8 days later we went home.all was going really well we walked every day ,I showered her, put her hair in pony tails(I suck at tha).then onsaturday October 15 she started getting sick so we went to the hospital, I thought we'd get some antibiotics and go home,how wrong I was.she was admitted and the needles and tests started.sunday October 16 we were sitting in her room me holding a puke bag under her mouth when a nurse ran in and asked her if she was ok. As I watched her heart rate hit 188 as her blood pressure dropped and the rushed her to the icu,leaving me to the waiting room.as I sat there waiting for them to come get me a woman noticed me sitting there crying and came over and told me her brother had died and that everything would be alright for me,how very ironic as I look back.an hour later they did come get me she was stable full of ivs and weak but alive. I told her I loved her and that she would be ok. As the night went on she stayed stable and I rubbed her legs because it soothed her.she asked me if I'd stay the night but I said I wanted to go home and get some rest with the boys and I'd be up early in the morning.i called her mom and she came up to stay overnight. Monday October 17 I headed to rhe hospital just like many other mornings the preceding weeks,forgot my phone and went back and got it got to the hospital as the overnight nurse was walking out the door we talked and she said Angie wasn't doing so good so I hurried up to icu. As I entered her room it was a beehive of activity 6 or 8 nurses and doctors all working frantically on her,she was struggling to breath I don't even know if she was conscious I rubbed her head kissed her forehead and told her I loved her and let the doctors work. I starred at the monitors as her heart beat fell below 20 and all hell broke loose they rushed me out of the room to a waiting room as the code buzzers were sounding in her room.i was already crying down the hallway I knew she was gone.
I've walked around in a dull haze since then,I have such a gaping hole in my heart I'm so empty.she was such a vital woman booster club president,boys out leader,church leader,she gave more of herself to other people than anyone I've ever known.we would've been married 20 years on October 19.the guilt I feel is unimaginable.she loved me so much and always told me so,I almost never told her.i took everything she did for me and our boys for granted.she helped me get out of my alcoholism a couple years ago and I never even thanked her.i loved her so very dearly and would've died for her,sometimes I wish I had. The emptiness is horrible,I feel so alone and such profound sadness that I cry constantly.i put on a brave face for my boys, they almost act like nothing has happened.iv lost 20 pounds in this week since.i don't eat and only sleep when I take the meds she had .im sure she wouldn't want me doing this to myself but I can't help it.i have to live with the way I treated her. Yes we had some really good times over the years and plenty of bad ones just like any couple I'm sure.i hope this will get easier with time but right now it's unbearable. Reading some of the stories in here I know I'm not alone if nothing else.