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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Steve F on
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Jeff, it is not so much that many people mean well but have never experienced a devastating loss themselves. Who are you to judge whether or not one person grieves more because their relationship was deeper and more valid? It is that we all face a staggering loss at different ages, under different conditions and with different support situations. So we all react differently and the prospects of surviving differs for each of us.
Steve
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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on
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Stephen, I don't know if you're ignorant or are just trolling here. Who the hell are you to judge me or my opinion?
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Jeff,
If anyone is ignorant it is you. You judge and dismiss a lot of other people’s expressions of grief as irrelevant; that they have not faced what YOU judge as irretrievable loss. You know nothing about my own loss of a spouse after 53 years for example. Yet you lash out out at me for trying to point out we all face grief from different points in life and each case is unique. So how we deal with loss differs for everyone. There is no “”one case fits all”. You are the one who is ignorant and intolerant. If you cannot accept well intentioned advice you are hopeless. Wise up my friend.
Steve
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Permalink Reply by Jean on
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I saw this and had to say something. Who are you to judge us? This is not the site to cast stones. I have absolutely had it with bible thumpers judging me.
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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Feel exactly the same everyday is worse I don't want to be here anymore
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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on
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She was my bride, my best friend, the best half of me, my sweetest of hearts. These and more are the things I hang onto. To let go of them, to leave that behind would leave me dead. They are all I have to hang onto. They keep me remotely sane. Today, like all other days is spent in tears. I mean continuously for hours. That is the present moment for me, I will not let go of that. It keeps me alive and closer to Nancy. If I were to let all that go, I would have nothing of her remaining. Although, I expect to see her one day, for now, that is what I have to keep me moving forward.
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Man, I am sorry to hear that. Kind of dealing with the same thing. Here is a book that helps:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0812987926/ref=od_aui_detailpages...
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