Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael Thompson on May 10, 2016 at 6:53am

Hi, I cannot even begin to know how you feel, because its my wife I lost in 2014 to bowel cancer after 22 years of marriage, the whole in my life left behind by her demise can never be filled.

I believe losing a spouse is a different feeling to losing a parent, although the grief is still there.

Your posting has given me insight as to what my adult step children are going through, although I know they are suffering, because their mum and them were very close, more like a sister and friend as well as a mum.

My wife suffered 11 months, but we didnt talk about it, in fact she cut me right out, this was her way of handing it.

Its a bastard, there's no question about that.  Feeling empty just about sums it up.

Please for what its worth, accept my condolences.

Regards

Michael UK

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on May 15, 2016 at 2:37am

Hello Spencer,

I am truly sorry for the loss of your mom. Please accept my deepest condolences. I lost my beloved spouse to lung cancer, and it is a different kind of loss, that of a minor child losing his/her mom. I cannot even begin to imagine how terrible this loss must be. My mother was 81 years old and I was 51 when she passed away after her heart surgery. I was very close to my mother, and I was devastated by her death. It took me more than two years to come to terms with her death. So that's why I can't imagine what it must feel like for you losing your mother at age 16.

All the things that you are lamenting about, that your mom will miss all the many things in your life is really heartbreaking. Your HS graduation, your first day in college, your marriage(s), child/ren. She will never get to take part in them, feel pride and happiness for you. I know about that part. My husband was 49 years old when he passed. The one thing that caused me the most pain is that he never got to celebrate his 50th birthday. We had made many plans on how to celebrate his milestone birthday, but he was diagnosed with terminal stage IV lung cancer at 48, and passed nine months later. I feel that both he and I were cheated by the universe. Like your mom, my husband had a lot of life left to live, a lot of unfinished business. Your mom, like my husband, should have been around for at least another 20-30 years. This is not fair, this is just wrong!

But I will tell you something, I am a university professor (I just retired this week, another painful life event that I went through without my husband at my side) and I recently came across a student who is now 20. Completely by chance I found out about the tragedy in her life when I read her application for scholarship. I will call her Linda. She is one of my star students and she is always cheerful and upbeat. I didn't have the faintest idea that she had lost her mother when she was 7 and that her father died two weeks before she started college, when she was 18. Her father died of a broken heart. She has one older brother. Linda wrote in her essay the reason that she tries to excel in her studies and that she keeps such a positive attitude towards life is because of her father. It is Linda's way of honoring her father's memory: to go on and make the best of her, to be positive, to spread goodwill and cheer so that her father can be proud of her.

Reading Linda's essay gave me inspiration in my widowhood; I lost my beloved husband Joseph about 2 years ago. Linda's tragic story mixed with her courage and fortitude helped me cope with my deep grief. I told myself if a girl of 18 can overcome her grief and channel it towards positive things, so can I. I learned a lot from Linda and I will alway remember her story to give me strength and courage in my lonely journey of grief.

The loss of your mother will never go away, but over time--and it's different for everybody--you will learn to live with that loss. She will always be in your heart, be a big part of you. She will continue to guide you, send you her love, and look out for you. Her untimely passing will help make you a stronger, a more compassionate and better person. You will live to do great and good things in her name, in honor of her memory. 

I wish you strength as you continue on this tragic journey of loss and grief. I somehow know that when you grow up, you will prove to be a man of character, a man who does good things, who dedicates his life to service to others to honor the memory of his beloved mother. You will always miss her, but she will always be with you. And you'll know that.

I hope your healing starts soon. Sending many good wishes your way, Trina Mamoon