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Permalink Reply by BillT on March 12, 2016 at 12:14pm

Alice,

That was beautifully stated.  Thank you.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 14, 2016 at 7:16pm

Alice,

If it is not painful for you, would you mind sharing a bit about the ways in which your "life and activities are centred on him"?  The ways in which you are trying to forge a life with him? I am genuinely interested.

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Permalink Reply by Deborah Craig on March 16, 2016 at 5:42pm

Alice, I really think that is beautiful, and positive things are coming from his pass. I have wanted to do that, my declan had many health issues which I now try to campaign for. I don't know if this is enough, I am full of fear and a sense of inadequacy that I can't do him justice. But then it worry it renders me in a state of self pity and inadequacy. The pain is overwhelming

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 16, 2016 at 6:56pm

Alice,

I'm sorry you've had a particularly hard few past few days.  I know what that's like. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Thank you for responding; what you said makes a lot of sense.  I find that for me, it's an odd combination of avoiding many of the things my husband and I used to do together (like going to flea markets and antique shops, watching certain tv shows, cooking and eating certain meals), because I want nothing to do with them if he isn't here to enjoy them with me, and then on the other hand sort of trying to become him (for example:  his favorite band is not one I particularly like -- they're good at what they do, they're just not my style/genre.  However, now whenever one of their songs comes on the radio I am glad and listen to it, in part because I feel it might be a sign from my beloved husband, and in part because if I listen to it as he would, I have in some way become him. I know that sounds crazy, and I don't mean that I literally become him, I just don't really know how else to put it.). Funnily enough, my husband is a musician as well.

It sounds as though you really do get a lot of benefit out of doing the things you mentioned, things which make you still feel connected to him, and that's wonderful. 

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Permalink Reply by Deborah Craig on March 17, 2016 at 2:05am

Bluebird, I know what u are saying when u say in some way become him. I get a bit of comfort from a friend who lost her husband and says, when things get difficult, that the "same spirit that was in him is in me". Declans spirit was so strong and good, if I had only half of that...

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Permalink Reply by Deborah Craig on March 12, 2016 at 4:00pm

It's like a physical ache Sam isn't it? And i still just want him back, even though I know that's not possible. It's like I just can't let him go. And I feel guilty for that, does that make sense?

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 14, 2016 at 7:18pm

Deborah Craig,

It has been 3.5 years since my husband died, and I do not accept that he is dead. That is, I know he died, but I refuse to accept this life without him in it. That's probably not healthy for me, but I truly don't care. Anyway, you are not alone in feeling as you do.

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