Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
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It's been over three years since my husband died, and I still feel that way sometimes. For me, the anxiety was the worst during the three or four months directly after his death. I still get anxious because it's still not fucking right that he isn't here, and also because the daily shit of life still weighs on me and wants doing. I understand, as much as someone can who isn't you, what you mean about not knowing what to do or where to start, and having panic attacks. Did you have panic attacks before your wife died, or have they started only since then? Either way, you might want to consider speaking to a psychiatrist about some medication to help with the anxiety. In the meantime, if you have any vitamin B complex, that can help. If you can't sleep and don't have any medication for that, maybe consider taking a couple of Benadryl if you have them (and if you aren't allergic and don't have any addiction problems -- I am not a doctor, I'm basically just telling you what helps me a bit. I have to take a couple of Benadryl every night, in order to get even 5 or so hours of sleep). I'm sorry you are in this hell.
The first couple months are surreal. It's like you are traveling on a totally different planet. Getting through the details of death like paperwork and legal questions and bills and figuring out even how to eat can be more than daunting. You can only do so much. Try to pick out the stuff that rises to the top of the crisis pile. The rest will need to wait.
You wont recognize reality for awhile even though it will be right in front of you. Just take a small step when you can, towards remedying the next thing that needs done. None of it will make sense and it will be difficult to establish any order because our brains are so scrambled but doing one small thing at a time as you can is the best way to approach it. Don't think too far out. A couple hours to a day or two at the most.
Your sleep patterns are going to be disrupted but depending on your work schedule and the other stuff try to at least rest if you cant sleep.
You are reaching out to the best place where people who have been through what you are experiencing right now have also been through. Like Bluebird I marked year three about a month ago and it is still a struggle but the rawness slowly starts to diminish. If there is something close by for grief support I would try it. I went to a couple meetings and at the time I think it was a way to know I wasn't going crazy even though every indication was that I had.
I hope you can find a small sliver of help and hope and please continue to reach out. It will give you a thread to hang onto while you work through what the effects of losing the person who was your rock. I am so sorry, Jason.
It's been nearly 3 years for me and I still get panic attacks, especially when I'm with people. I think it's because I now know how truly unpredictable and cruel life can be. At least I haven't gone crazy yet, if that makes you feel any better. For a while, I really thought that was going to happen. I've managed to stay sane, and yet I know that when I talk to people they have no idea I'm enduring a raging panic attack while they're having conversations with me. I hide it well, I guess. Because they likely wouldn't understand that, after all this time, I'm still in such deep pain over my loss(es).
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