3rd month the worst?

I'm entering the 4th month after Nancy's death and everything is worse than ever. This

searing, deep pain has become a terrifying depressive event which will not abate. I read

that after the 3rd month the shock and denial have mostly worn off so the hellish reality

of loss is finally truly felt. I have never felt this kind of pain before. It's almost a psychotic

kind of pain and I'm afraid I'm losing it. I still spend 75% of my day talking with Nancy

crying to Nancy and feeling more knots in my stomach than there are muscles. When you

love someone as much as we all love our life partners and then lose them. It is an 

unbearable nightmare that never ends. I still, though, at times during the day, feel a peace

that I can only say seems like I'm feeling her presence calming me down. I thank the dear

Lord for that and trust she is safe in his care.

Mel

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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on July 30, 2015 at 10:05am

Hi Mel. I'm 4 1/2 months into losing my love. For me, the searing, deep pain I felt from the get go. I've been talking to counselors from the get go. Within a month i was having to process suicide. The only thing that got me to a dead end was my cat and what I would do with her. I'm still in shock and cannot believe it really happened. I feel like I am hanging on this jagged cliff of death clinging to any rope I can find. There is no sense of connection to life. I feel like I'm on a distant planet trying to function on this one. I have too felt what I can't help but believe was Gary's presence. Many days i miss him more than my broken heart can bear. The pieces to myself were obliterated. You are not alone in this unbearable nightmare. Hugs to you.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 30, 2015 at 3:44pm

it seams 2 get hard not easyy its not 

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on December 29, 2015 at 7:25pm

Me and D are at four months now. Back when you posted this, on July 30, we thought he was going to live.

It's harder now. The protective shell of shock is wearing off. It had let me feel devil-may-care. Fatalistic. It let me pretend to myself there was an end to this pain. I am sorry now I did not use my protective shock to float in front of traffic or overdose on prescriptions.

But I knew all along that suicide is not an option for me. So I used the protective shock to await somehow being freed from this pain.

Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 29, 2015 at 10:55pm
I know that searing psychotic pain. It also gave me thoughts of suicide but I knew I couldn't do that to my mother. I lost my dear older sister over two months ago and I believe I'm suppressing a lot of pain and insanity. I know I will think of things or those last days and "change the channel" in my mind because the pain is unbearable. I try to block it because I feel like I'm going crazy if I linger there. I can't believe she is gone and I miss her more than I can say. The loneliness threatens my sanity sometimes. I get so bored and restless I think I might go crazy.

I feel bitter and angry and sad and devastated. I wake up every morning into my nightmare. The second I open my eyes I wish I hadn't, as the daily struggle begins. I really believe I have lost my mind and I am living in this world of denial because it's a safer place.

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