It's been a little over two months since my boyfriend killed himself. Since it happened everything has gone to hell. I've had to withdraw from school, I lost my job, and worst of all, I've lost my spirituality. I am an alcoholic and was doing really well; I hadn't drank in a year and half and was going to meetings, but I've relapsed. I really want to get back on the wagon because drinking is only making things worse.

The reason this is so hard, aside from the fact that the love of my life is gone, is that I truly looked up to him as a spiritual guide. He was a shaman and before he took his life, magical things would happen to us that really made it seem like the Universe loved and favored us. The first time he told me he loved me, thunder and lightning literally crashed. I was so happy that I found somebody that understood things the way I did. It's like God (if there is one) is punishing me. I keep praying, but it's no use.

It's also a big slap in the face, because I knew that Brian was suicidal, and every night for seven months I begged God to help him, but it didn't work. I was the only one Brian would reach out to, so I feel partly responsible. I have been suicidal in the past, so I tried to help him understand that there was hope. It worked for a little while, but towards the end he just became so hopeless and nihilistic. Brian was an incredibly noble person who devoted his life to permaculture and sustainable living-- he truly wanted to help the world. Why did God forsake him like that? Why is he forsaking me?

I seriously don't know what to do. I want to die.