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why my Husband
How do you live without your heart? Andy was my heart and now he is gone. He suffered badly for 17 months. I worry that I did not do enough, should we have gone to another Doctor, tried harder and what could I have done differently. When he passed I had my head on his chest I listened to his last heart beat, kissed his lips as he took his last breath and then lost my mind. I encouraged him to go towards the lite even though I am not sure there really is a God. He died angry, he was not ready to go. We could talk about anything but we could never talk about him dying as I always cried and that hurt him. I remember coming from the hospital all his things were here but he wasn't and is never going to be again. His ashes were still warm when I picked him up, God help me I just want to be with him and if that means dying then I am ready. How do you go on, how do you sleep and how do you breathe without that stabbing pain in my heart. He was the best, so good to me, loved me unconditionally he was my world. He got me thru stage 4 breast cancer but I could not save him. What do you do when you fell you have no life left in you, no love left in your heart. No one understands and after 4 months others think I should be getting on with my life, WHAT LIFE??
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lidia on
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Becky; I'm so sorry for your lost. My husband lost his battle with cancer six months ago and I'm just now coming back to this site because no one understands how I feel even after six months. Your words touched my heart because I can totally relate to every single one of them. I feel as you feel, why go on?
what's the point without the soul that was taken away. It takes me forever to get out of the house, I miss our lives together, it wasn't glamorous or busy it was just "ours" and I want a do-over. I guess it should be comforting that both of us are feeling the same guilt and regrets but it doesn't help us to manage those feelings, just know that you can write to me and we can somehow exchange words to help us know that what we are feeling is not unique to each of us. I don't want to "get over it" as they tell me either I just want to know how I'm supposed to go on without him. How do I sleep all night without wanting him to be here, to speak to me his soothing words, to give me his unconditional love and support. I can't even cook anymore and that's the one thing he loved me to do. He loved anything and everything I cooked and I feel nothing but shame and blame for his esophageal cancer. My kids don't understand this guilt but I am the one that fed him for 43 years of marriage and 5 years before we married. I'm just passing the days till I can join him. I hope he still wants me on the other side. Stay in touch friend....put your tears into words. Lidia
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