Times have been pretty crazy and I haven't been on this website in months. Halfway through November my mother's absolutely beloved cousin Billy took his own life. I live in Boston but I went to Minnesota to spend time with his family and play music for his services. The next week my nana who has lived with me my entire life -who took care of me everyday until I started taking care of her everyday- passed away. I played music for her services too. Through all of this I was maintaining straight A's, taking a college class, doing an intensive after school music program, applying to colleges and trying to take care of people around me who needed help. It was intense.
More than anything I'm torn up by the loss of my twin brother when we were 12 years old. I didn't even think about him on Christmas. And never in my life have I missed my nana's birthday but this time I didn't even realize it had passed until the next day. My mind couldn't process anything because I was so removed from my emotions. In a strange way I almost felt free for a little while. Also because my two older brothers (who are also twins) came back from college for five weeks, and the three of us and our close friends spent whatever time we could together. Today was their last day.
Yesterday afternoon I had a flashback. I don't know what triggered it and it's very cloudy in my head. I just felt like maybe I'm still a twelve year old kid trapped in some terrible nightmare. I was there when he died and it felt more like a nightmare than anything else. So yesterday I looked at my hands and I got dizzy because they reminded me of my brother's hands at the wake. They were pale and wrinkled like raisins. Mine were warm and alive. I touched his cheek and it was cold. I touched mine... At least our skin felt the same. I couldn't fall asleep that night until I touched my cheek again. At least our skin felt the same. I woke up for months thinking I was dreaming. I had to remind myself every morning. I will never fucking forget that sensation.
I was just looking at my hands yesterday and I couldn't remember anything. I'm not really seventeen, right? Is this real? Where's Hunter? What's wrong with me? Why am I so dizzy? Why can't I produce coherent fucking sentences? Control your fucking breath... stop shaking... what do I do... somebody help me...
Damn. I don't know what to say but I'm exhausted inside and out.
