The darkness never ends.

My father past away November 3. He was my soul. I feel like a knife is stuck in my chest. When we removed life support I kissed him and said I would take care of mom. I pray evernight that he's proud of me and thinks Iam doing an ok job. Today I was almost termed from the place I have worked for 6 years. I am a manager and tried to help several times to help my husband get time off. Had I thought I was doing anything to question my integrity it never would have happened. My dad always told us you are only as good as your word. At 29 I let him down it's so hard paying for their bills and my familys and almost breaking my promise dad Iam not sure I can do this without you. I want to be with you so bad why did you have to leave me here alone?

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Permalink Reply by Laurie Peters on June 22, 2010 at 10:58pm
Hi Nicole,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too have suffered many losses and I know too feel the unbearable pain you must be going through. I am new to this site but have found some strength in reading through other's comments and learning how they have handled living after such a loss. It does get easier with time and I'm sure your father is very proud of you and watching over you everyday. I understand how hard it is to focus at work and make it through the day, but those times get less frequent as time goes by. I think one of the best things you can do is talk with others about how you feel - release some of that pain with people you trust - consider doing it through this site. Know that many people in your life will not truely understand the pain you are going through - the feelings of emptiness and hopelessness. Sometimes I feel so alone in this world - but this site has given me new feelings of hope - that someday I may be better able to get back to living - that the pain will be less intense. I try to get through each day and find a reason for living my life. The pain and fear that goes with losing a loved one can be paralyzing and encompass your entire life - that leaves little room to really enjoy others. I don't want to live my entire life without experiencing some joy, some inner peace. Give yourself time to heal, take care of yourself, and remain hopeful - the pain will ease with time.
It sounds like you and your father were very close. Im sure he would want you to be happy and enjoy your life.
Although we want our loved one's here with us, it gives me peace of mind to know that, even if they could come back to us, they are in such a wonderful place that they would not come back. They are without pain, without fear, happy and content with the beauty and love that surrounds them - they are safe. This thought alone has given my family great comfort.
Laurie
Permalink Reply by Nicole Logue on June 24, 2010 at 6:41pm
Thank you for such kind words. You are so right about feeling like others can't understand. I am at peace knowing he is with God. I just have days I wish we could have gone togather. Iam also sorry for your losses and again y'all never know how much your comments have ment to
me!

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