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Permalink Reply by Martha on August 20, 2013 at 4:23pm

Dia, I can understand what you are going through. After losing my mother who was all things to me nothing is the same. The ICU, the last few days are all horrible everywhere. You had the good sense to come to this site, and that is a healthy step. Believe me, we all suffer the guilt that you are going through. What you are experiencing is all normal. We are here for you. 

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Permalink Reply by Richard Eason on August 22, 2013 at 9:31am

My wife died at home July 23, 2013 after a 16 month battle with Pancreatic Cancer. I watched her die a little each day. I was against the surgery that she had and it went turned out bad.  Many 150 miles round trip and stays at 3 different hospitals from the complications from the surgery. I,the person who could get things done was helpless.  The last 30 days her 2 daughters came to visit. They made her uncomfortable and she would only take her medicine from me. The last 3 days I was a lone with her except for the hospice personnel that came once a day.  As I watched her slip a way hour by hour and then minute by minute, I realized there was nothing I could have done any better.  I am not perfect by no means. You did not run the hospital.  You had no control of her care. Be thankful she is not longer suffering.  Do you really think your Mother would want you to suffer like you are? She is at peace, just like she would want you to be. 

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Permalink Reply by Mel on August 22, 2013 at 11:51pm

I understand your pain and I'm sorry for your loss. My mom's death was completely out of the blue and unexpected, she went to sleep December 21st and woke up in heaven on December 22nd 2012. Unfortunately my mom and I had an argument 2 weeks before her death and we did not speak to each other. So I deal with the hurt and guilt that because of me and our stupid argument that the last two weeks of her life were sad because of me! If I only had known I would have held her and told her how much I loved her everyday! So try to find peace in knowing that you were your mom's care taker so she knew how much you loved her! I'm sure she knew the rules at the hospital and knew you didn't abandon her!

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Permalink Reply by Dia -Ayesha on August 23, 2013 at 2:05am

Hello Mel. Thank you for replying. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you and your mom argued 2 weeks before she passed . Dealing with the guilt brought on by the argument must be rough. As for my mom she was in bad shape when admitted to the hospital. Apart from her physical suffering her mind was alert and alive.hence she felt alone and abandoned. Hers was an emotional response to the fact that she couldnt see her family in close proximity in the ICU given that we were otherwise always with her. I'm not sure how to deal with this guilt. I dont sleep , I dont want to even step out of my room. Facing the day seems dreadful . Nights are the worst as all the demons come out .

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Permalink Reply by Dia -Ayesha on August 23, 2013 at 1:58am

Thank you Martha for your response. Perhaps you can relate to my experience. I hope what I'm experiencing is indeed normal. For nothing about this pain , grief and loss feels normal.

I appreciate your support. Thank you.

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Permalink Reply by Cindy on August 26, 2013 at 2:25am

Dearest Dia,,
I understand how you are feeling but I beleive in my heart your mother knew all that you wanted her to. My mother passed away in a sinilar manner in ICU at the end of a 3 year battle with lung Cancer.i can assure you that once they are sedated that is really the end of awareness. I dont understand how doctors could not allow someones family to be there. Your mother was probably sad because she knew her journey was over..you have done everything you could and most of all your love transcens any mistake you think you have made. You are a wondderful loving daughter and your mother was mourning the loss of you. If i can do anything let me know.my prayers are with you and I hope you find peace

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Permalink Reply by Dia -Ayesha on August 26, 2013 at 7:15am

Dear Cindy,

Thank you so much for replying. Thank you for your kind words and support. Doctors, nurses and hospitals here in India are awful , lousy and nightmarish. The hospital my mum was in is counted as one of the best yet all we experienced was arrogant doctors, callous nurses and extremely strict security staff. Inspite of our doctors orders to allow us to be inside the ICu with my mum especially on the last day we faced a lot of resistance. We have fought with the security guards, nurses etc because once the doctor left they were on their own power trip. I will never understand what they got by keeping us away from our dying mother. I saw the security guards and nurses laughing at us while we were weeping over my mums impending death . Such cruel and evil human beings exist .I will never forgive them. Because of their arrogance and power games my mum felt alone and isolated in the ICU. Thanks to them I'm wrecked with guilt. Yes I know the hospital staff and rules etc are not in my control, but you see for 14 years now I was very aware of my mums every mood, every ache and pain , every joy and sadness. My life revolved around her. It haunts me that she was sad, lonely, suffering all alone in the ICU. How do I beg her for forgiveness?. She did'nt deserve all the pain, trauma and suffering she endured. I'm consumed with grief and I just don't have the energy or will to go on. She was the greatest love of my life. My entire family is shattered. My father cries like a baby. My sister is a zombie. My husband weeps . I want to help them but I myself need help. Thank you for listening Cindy.

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