Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on April 24, 2010 at 4:07pm

I feel the same way about my mom. As bad/sad as it sound, I don't think times heals us, it just gets us closer to being with them again!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on April 24, 2010 at 4:18pm

I agree, Kirstine.

Permalink Reply by Julie on April 24, 2010 at 4:16pm

It's terrible. My husband passed away 5 and a half weeks ago and I am sick every single day. I don't know how to live without him by my side. I feel as though I have no purpose in life and most of the time I don't even want to go on because everything in my life seems totally pointless. My husband was my everything. I am completely heart broken. My Mom, too, says "Time will help Heal. She lost her father at the age of 12 and she lost her husband, my father twenty three years ago. Her life did go on and she raised my brother and I. I don't know what to say...

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on April 24, 2010 at 4:23pm

I know this is a support group but I'm so heartbroken I felt a need to say what I truly feel. I don't know how anyone could disagree that life as we know it now sucks and I don't see any way out of a life without our loved one being anything but bleak. I am in such despair and I know how you all feel because I feel it too. How could we not?

Permalink Reply by Suzanne Ballard on April 24, 2010 at 4:28pm

Suzanne B. here , not the Suzanne that started this thread.

Everything about this sucks...EVERYTHING!!!! I HATE feeling this way. I miss my husband/best friend, I have no one to talk to who even begins to understand how I feel about this. He was the only person who would have understood and he is GONE FOREVER.

Now I am beginning to be aggravated with just about everybody around me because they are going on with their lives and I feel like mine is over. It has only been a month and looking ahead at decades of being without my man is like being on death row.

AND I am tired of people telling me things I really don't believe and certainly don't wish to hear. "He is in a better place now." How do they know that? Most of the people who say that to me didn't even really know my sweet man. "He's up there in Heaven waiting on you." So I am supposed to live the next 30-40 years in anticipation of my own death. What if I am not such a good person in those next 30-40 years and I don't get to Heaven. "At least he's not suffering any longer." Yes, but he is dead and now I am the one who is suffering. "It takes time to get over something like this." I don't want to get over it, I want it not to have even happened. "He wouldn't want you to be so sad." Yeah? Ya think? "Get out of the house and do something fun!" With who? Dave was my best friend and I did most everything with him because he is the one I had the most fun with. We were best buds and now I can't hang out with him ever again.

These platitudes make me feel like screaming and never stopping. I guess people just don't know what to say to me and so they say what they think might make me feel better. I'd rather have them be realistic about it, actually. The person I loved more than life has died and left me alone here. There is nobody here to hold my hand, kiss me, rub my back or say "I love you" 10 times a day. I have nobody to talk to anymore because nobody understands me like Dave did. I wish I had died with him. Can someonesay someting to me that will make me feel better about that?

Permalink Reply by Julie on April 24, 2010 at 4:43pm

Unfortunately, no. It's the worst thing anyone could go through. People have said all of the things that you wrote, to me as well. No one can truly understand another person's situation unless they have experienced something very similiar. You sound very angry, frustrated and hurt just like me. All I want is to have my precious husband here with me. The reality is that it's not possible for him to be physically here with me. He will be in my heart always but somehow that's not enough. I am very close with my mom and she tries her very best to comfort me, but I always find myself yelling at her because I am hurting terribly and we tend to hurt the ones we love the most. I say to her repeatedly you don't understand what I am going through. She has to constantly remind me that again, she lost her father and her husband. She said I had to move forward for you and your brother. I didn't have a choice. I don't have children so I feel that it's different. It's very very difficult. I want answers so badly but I don't think there are any. This is the situation and the reality is that death, unfortunately is a part of life and we really don't have a choice in the matter. It is what it is. This is very hard for me to accept.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne Ballard on April 24, 2010 at 5:02pm

I have spent the entire day inside with the blinds drawn, sometimes at my computer, sometimes just laying on the bed or sofa, trying to make sense of all of this. I don't even remember eating today but I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway ; ). I think I am just now in the anger phase of this process and I am grateful to have an outlet for it.

On top of everything else I am dealing with, I am having to move from the home we lived in for the past 10 years because my monster-in-law has decided that she needs to rent the house and farm out to someone else. She didn't even ask me, just announced it about 5 days after my Dave died. No discussion, nothing, just an announcement. We have never been close but I did not think she was capable of this but I was wrong. Everyone in our little farm community thinks that she is this saint who took such good care of Dave while he was sick, which is a total lie...he stayed at her house for about 2 weeks when he came home from Hospice for the last time and was only there because she lives next door and has more room. She loves the attention and sympathy (I think she is Munchausen) so she doesn't correct people when they talk about her caring for him so wonderfully. She always neglects to say that I am the one who cared for him for the last 18 months, through the worst part of his cancer treatment.Even when he was at her house, I spent most days and part of each night over had her house, still doing most of his caregiving. I came home at night to sleep, once his last round of pain meds and sleeping pill took effect. Because this is a farm and I had morning chores to do so it was just easier for me to be over here (we live like 300 yards from her). So I was not there when Dave passed on. He died very early in the morning and she waited almost an hour before she called me to come over. I am trying very, very hard not to have hatred in my heart for this woman but it is so very, very hard not to do so.

So not only am I dealing with this grief, I am being forced to deal with things I am simply not ready for. I am afraid I am going to become incredibly bitter about all of this and I am fighting it but the bad feelings are winning right now.