Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jessica Berninzon on May 26, 2012 at 11:46am

HELLO MARK JUST WANTED TO SAY VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS , I LOST MY MOM JULY 5, 2010 VERY UNEXPECTED I HAD TAKEN HER IN TO THE DOCTOR TWO WEEKS BEFORE SHE PASSED HE SAID YOUR MOM IS IN GREAT HEALTH SHES SUFFERING FROM A BROKEN HEART AND THAT WAS THE WORST THING REALLY NO CURE FOR THAT LONG STORY SHORT SHE WE HAD/HAVE MY OLDER SISTER PATTY BORN MENTALLY RETARDED WHOM HER AND I ADORED SHE TOOK CARE OF PATTY OF ALL HER LIFE WHEN SHE GOT OLDER IT WAS BIT HARD TO CARE FOR PATTY SO I HELPED THEN I TOOK OVER AND IT WAS TO MUCH FOR ME AS WELL WITH MY KIDS AND PATTY WAS WHEEL CHAIR BOUND IN DIAPERS ECT BUT MY MOM AND I HAD PROMISED EACH OTHER NEVER TO PUT HER IN A HOME SO WE KEPT TRYING  MY YOUNGER SISTER STEPPED IN ( AKA AS THE DEVIL INCARNATE TO MY MOM AND I) AND ALONG WITH THE GOVERNMENT STEPPED IN AND PLACED PATTY IN A HOME MUCH MORE TO THIS HEART BREAKING STORY MY SISTER IS DEVILS WIFE HOW EVIL AND HOW DARE SHE AND THE GOVERNMENT ANY HOW WHEN MOM PASSED AWAY IT WAS WAY BEFORE HER TIME , BROKE ME I WANTED TO DIE TO NOT ONLY WAS PATTY IN A HOME MY MOM WAS DEAD MY HUSBAND FULL FLEDGED OPIATE ADDICT , WE LOST EVERYTHING OUR HOME CARS JOBS , ENDED UP LIVING IN THE LIVING ROOM IN HIS MOTHERS HOUSE A WOMAN WHO WAS RAISED IN OKLAHOMA , WITH A 6TH GRADE EDUCATION WHO BELIEVES IN BEATING YOUR CHILDREN TO SUBMISSION HER SON MOMMAS BOY SHE  ALWAYS TREATED ME AND THE GIRLS HER GRAND CHILDREN  LIKE SHIT , HER AND I CLASHED AND STILL DO SHE IS NOT ALLOWED TO CUSS MY CHILD LAY HANDS ON THEM FOR THAT SHE HATES ME NOW IM CARING FOR THE OLD BITCH BECAUSE SHE HAS FULL FLEDGED ALZHEIMER'S AND I M JUST NICE AND STUPID I MIGHT ADD FEEL BAD FOR HER AND HER SON HER BABY IS IN JAIL ONCE AGAIN !!! TOP IT ALL I LOST AMBER IN JANUARY I M NO LONGER SO NICE HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR BS AND I WILL BE MOVING SOON MY LIFE HAS BEEN TO SAY THE LEAST MORE THEN DIFFICULT YOU WILL BE OK SOME HOW WE THE PEOPLE CHOSEN TO ENDURE THE IMPOSSIBLE DO JUST THAT ENDURE ...

Permalink Reply by Billie Malowany on April 16, 2012 at 8:42pm

I cringe when people open their mouths because I know something I don't want to hear is going to come out. 

 I was most horrified when someone said to me "God lent her to you and now he needs her back." 

 I stood there in schock, wanting to punch her in the face and curse profusely!  F U I wanted to say, he didn't give birth to her, he didn't raise her, he wasn't there when she needed someone!  I was!  How dare HE take her, she wasn't his to take!  This angers me so much and would send me into a rant on "God" but I will save you all from my beliefs!

 

Another one is more about the toll on my mind and body.  "You've lost so much weight, how much did you lose?"

I looked at her and said about 165 lbs!  She didn't get it, she said "you weren't that heavy"  I wanted to scream at her.  The next person that used that line on me got it right away, looked down sheepishly and walked away.  I can't say I'm very sorry about it!

 

We are angry enough, when people say things they think are nice or helpful, whether they are or not, it all depends on how we are feeling at that moment as to how we take it or react.  I can be quick to tongue and snap back which is probably not the right thing to do but biting my tongue takes a lot of energy.  Some days I want people to know I am hurting and I am angry, and some days I hang my head and walk away.

Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on April 27, 2012 at 6:53am

Two things said that I think do more harm then good

1) God wanted my loved one in heaven

2) The loss is hard, but you must feel relief

First. #2 there is no relief in death!!! As a care giver for my beloved father in law who died from Alzhiemers I felt a huge void in my life when he fell asleep. There is so much suffering when we lose a loved one. My father in law died in 2001 and I still miss him with all of my heart. And interestingly enough - the Bible tells us that death is an enemy!! It accomplishes nothing good.
I agree with this statement - "For the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all..." So with my loved one asleep unaware of what has happened I am left with hurt, sorrow, grief and loss. NOT RELIEF!!!

People sometimes add - "at least they are not suffering anymore" - I know they mean well when they say this. And yes it is true, they are not. BUT I AM!!! I certainly would not want Anyone to languish in terrible pain or in an illness that robs them of dignity. But the pain of loss is overwhelming. This is not the way to bring relief. Death is never a friend, it accomplishes nothing good. It is an enemy!!

Now to my first statement. #1. God has nothing to do with death!! This whole issue of death being God's plan is a bunch of garbage. I won't get into my beliefs deeply here but we do NOT die because of God. He does not take people. Death was never part of his purpose. This is what the Bible says - "For the wages sin pays is death". We die because we sin. We certainly do not sin because of God. We sin because the first humans chose, yes CHOSE, to rebell against God. Hence we all sin. God wants us to LIVE!!!

Well, that was just a beginning. Just 2 things of many that people say. There are many others as so many of you have clearly stated here.

Permalink Reply by Jessica Berninzon on May 22, 2012 at 7:33pm

God never gives us more than we can bear ( I beg to differ he just did!! ) If i was in your shoes i could not survive (I did not choose these shoes and not sure if i will survive ,do i have a choice ?) I can relate to losing a child my daughter moved to another country i have not seen her in two years i just found out she has had two children .(i thought so your dead daughter had two kids ?? interesting) Try to pretend that shes traveling the world  and that some day you will both arrive at the same place or airport pretend shes in Europe (i thought to my self well i have idea of where Europe is but no clue where heaven is or if it even exists) at least she is no longer suffering ( I can't even
come to terms that she suffered at all) She is in a better place  (how does anyone know that for sure no one does and the best place for her is here with me !! ) At  least I have other children  (Which of your children would you have sacrificed?) Do i feel any better ? Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.  At least you  had Her for so many years. (Really?  what year would you choose for your child to die?)    

Permalink Reply by Ashley Thompson-Judd on May 25, 2012 at 9:15am

My favorite thing people say, mainly my family because they know what the doctor said. "Well, the doctor said you could have more, are you going to try in 3 months like he suggested or wait until a little later?" I'm thinking, I just lost them and I fought pretty hard to not lose them, right now I just want time to grief. But I always respond, "Idk i will get back to you on that when I figure it out."

Permalink Reply by Ashley Thompson-Judd on May 27, 2012 at 12:25pm

No, they don't understand, and sometimes even if they have gone through a loss such as yours, they still don't. But, you cannot give up, even though it would be so easy too. Know you have people who will listen anytime you need to just be angry and talk. i am one. *hugs*

 

Permalink Reply by Michelle on June 3, 2012 at 6:41pm

My son died 14 years ago and I still can hear these comments like it was yesterday. I admit to fumbling and awkward when I meet someone in their grief, but I know enough. It's a wound I have learned to live with. It doesn't heal. I never "got over" it. He was a beautiful boy. I wish the need for this forum did not exist. This is a road no one should have to travel.

Permalink Reply by Charlotte Riker on September 17, 2012 at 11:07pm

My son died of a drug overdose Thanksgiving 2009.  When I see some of my old friends, they always bring up Jeremy's death and funeral...why??  I guess they need to talk about it or maybe they think I haven't worked thru the events....they are such good friends and I do not want to hurt their feelings.

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on September 18, 2012 at 8:21pm

I've probably said this before, but when people tell me that my son wouldn't want me to be sad it drives me more insane than I have already gone!  REALLY? Like I don't feel guilty enough about not being happy anymore...  and "was he your only child?" as if he can be replaced.  I love my daughters so much, but we all know that it doesn't make it better to have "back ups."  They are their unique selves, just as my son was.  Also, "did he smoke?" because he died of lung cancer.  AAARRRGGGHHHH.  I want to say, "yes, dumbass, he started thirty years before conception, because he was only 29 when he died..."  once a friend who lost her son went to an AA meeting and she was talking about him when the woman next to her pulled out a photo of her deceased dog!  I am on such a rant tonight, so sorry friends.  I miss my son so much and nothing can bring him back.  I wish people weren't so dumb sometimes, even though they mean well.  Whatever happened to the simple, "I'm so sorry...." hugs to everyone, L

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on September 18, 2012 at 9:27pm

Hello dear Lorraine, boy oh boy do I agree with you about people saying that my son will only be hurt to see me in so much pain! Do I really need to hear that?!!! and there are crazy people that ask me also if he was my only son or only child. That saying is so true....think BEFORE you speak. I make sure I practice that. The bottom line is we want our children back, safe and unharmed and it's never going to be "ok" that they are gone. My heart is with you.

Permalink Reply by Katherina Conley on December 18, 2012 at 11:36pm

I was asked today of the Son I lost was my only child ... in my mind I was wondering what did that have to do with anything .. Nathan was still my child .. and no matter how many children i did have I will always want him back with me.. am i supposed to be grateful that I at least have 1 child here with me... still so confused why having another child I should feel less pain then I Do at the loss of my oldest child

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 19, 2012 at 12:28pm

Katherina, I agree 100%, the 'lay" people just don't get it......"lay", meaning those who fortunately have NOT buried their child. One child does NOT replace the one you lost.

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