Before I begin I know how all of you feel and I am going through the  same life changing experience.  If you loved and care for your mom, hurt but don't let the sadness handicap you. Ok, done with that intro. Ever since I was a little girl growing up, my mother always had a saying and that was "It's Different When it shows it's Ugly Face on Your DoorStep" which was a saying that she got from her dad growing up. My grandfather was part owner of the town's funeral home in a small part of MIssissippi.  Because the town was so small and everybody knew everybody my mother attended a lot of funerals growing up.  My mom saw so many mother's who lost their mothers or lost a child or men who lost a wife, child or mother and was just an agonizing time for the community, but mostly for that family.  My mother saw a woman whom lost her mother at a young age at a funeral. And my mother could not understand why this young lady was crying uncontrolably, passing out and even screaming in agony. At that time my mother was 17 and she just could not understand it. She even in the very worst choosing of words was laughing at the young woman.  Once my mother got home her father told her that laughing at the woman was not right and you would feel the same way if something happened to your mom. She said ok but I don't believe that I will act like that. He told her okay "We will see".  So fastforwarding some years her mother passed away when she was 39 and I was three. My mother and my grandmother were like sisters because 1) they were close in age and 2) they were bestfriends and my mother had other siblings but she knew that she was her mothers favorite and the first born. So, at the funeral of my grandmother, my mother could not even hold me because she was nervous and shaking and in the midst of the funeral had an anxiety attack. That day when the funeral was over my grandfather consoled her in his arms and then asked her you now know how that young lady felt years back when she lost her mother? And my mother just sat in his arms and looked down on the floor because of course she felt bad because she was laughing at the young lady and now she  was going through the same thing.  Now, lets forward 23 years later and all most of my friends had lost their mom and could never understand why the were so secluded and mean ALL THE TIME. And my mother told me "It's Different When it shows it's Ugly Face on Your DoorStep".  My mother was diagnosed with final stage colon cancer November 2011 and passed away in March of this year.  I felt like a train ran a tunnel through my heart. My mother and I was the closest of close, bestest of the bestest of friends. And end the I had to watch her die in front of me. I secluded myself away from everyone after she died and snapped on just about everybody that said a word to me. I was so hurt and still am but I am beginning to try and pick myself back up  and start my life over because during those four months of her illness, her life, was my life. I was there when she came out of surgery the night of the diagnosis and I was there when she took her final breath. This lost is especially hard for me because I lost my father in 2002 and my family is not much of a family. So with each day that I live is day closer I am getting to see her in the end.  I've gotten to a point where I don't know what else to say except I LOVE my mother and I always will and foreverybody that is going through the same thing pull up your big girl and big boy britches and live in their honor and keep life going because that special loved one would just want you to live and keep them in your heart. It's hard but it's even harder if you live in their memories instead of them living in yours! Thank you all for listening or should I say reading!!