First Holiday without my Mom :(

So tomorrow is Easter and it will be the first holiday without my mom. I really do not know how I am going to handle it if it were not for my four girls I would probably just try and sleep the whole day since Im not sleeping at night time anyway. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind I find myself wanting to end my own life and then realizing what I am doing or thinking and I just start to cry and ask myself wth is wrong with me. I always knew this would be hard I just never thought it would be this hard and instead of the days getting easier it seems like they get harder and harder. I pray for comfort and healing all the time and I know somehow this has to get easier but my heart hurts so much that I am completely a loss person right now can anyone help to cope or understand these feelings.

Thanks Erica

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Permalink Reply by Kathy S McBee on April 8, 2012 at 11:18pm

Erica, I understand your feelings - this holiday has been harder for me, without Hollister, than I thought it would be. My mind went to what we would have been doing if he were here. I've tried to keep in mind what Easter means - the promise it holds for where my love is now - and find I'm not comforted. Honestly, I'd have to say I'm feeling sorry for myself because I can't have him in my life. I know he's in a much better place.

Still, I'm not facing the same issues as you are and I'm concerned about you. You sound fragile, emotionally, and I wonder if it's time to talk to a professional to see what kind of help you can get. No, I'm not saying you're nuts or abnormal - I'm sure that's not the case. You're seeking help here, so I'd say you're not 'off your rocker.' From what you've described, I wonder if it's time to try an antidepressant to help you cope. A professional could answer that question. 

Remember that your children feel the same way about you as you do about your mother. Reach out for some help so you can be the mother they need right now. My prayers are with you.

Permalink Reply by Erica Garcia SanMiguel on April 13, 2012 at 11:32pm

Kathy my mind did the same thing I just kept wondering what my mom would be doing I even back home and to visit her for the first time since the funeral which was very hard I still feel like im in denial. By the end of the night I was a big mess and I honestly think I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown it got pretty scary for me my kids and husband and with all that happening I did take the next step and call and made an appt with a therapist which that made a big difference these last 3 days. I go back to see the therapist on Tuesday and Ive been praying that things will get a little easier I even started writing in a Journal which also seems to be helping. Well I just wanted to say thank you for your prayers 

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