It's been ten months...and it hurts as much as it did when i first found out Shelby died.  For some sadistic reason, which i will never understand, my ex and his mother continue their games.  *sigh  Some days, it's so  hard to even move outta bed to do anything, other than hope....Hope i can finally meet and visit with my grandson (Shelby's son) and HOPE for some sort of reconciliation or understanding with my son.  If either of those is not possible, why am i even here?  A lil over a month ago, i left my second husband in Canada--under amicable circumstances.  We still message or chat, every day.  i can't help but feel like my entire life has been one awfully huge mistake after another, and the pile continues to grow.  For now, i'm staying with a friend and his daughter--as friends.  (i know he wants more, but i am not able to go there, nor do i desire to, anytime soon.  On top of Shelby's death and the mess others have created, i am not physically able to do as much as i feel i need to; but i do keep trying to get things done.  *sigh  i'm so tired and my body's constantly giving out.  Sometimes, i just wish it'd stop and i could let go of this world, but for now, that's not an option.)  i guess i should be grateful that i'm back in my home-state of NC, but without being able to see or visit with or even talk to those i truly care about in this world, even this is becoming harder as the days go on.

If it were just a matter of getting things done or/and making sure appointments are taken care of and so forth, life might be a bit easier to muster.  But, considering how those people have behaved and continue in that sly maniacal fashion, nothing is coming easy for me.  Nothing.  People continue to lie to me and use me to get whatever it is they want.  i'm pretty much fed up with life and people.  Wishing it was better, but knowing the possibility exists that it never will.