Tomorrow, it'll be one year since Shelby died. No matter how things seem at any given time, the darkness has set in.  i just can't shake it.  i've continued having physical issues going on, and haven't been able to get in to see the doctor, yet--my appointment is for Monday.  i'm tired of trying to keep going.  i still haven't even begun to work on the planning of Shelby's going away party, yet, either.  *sigh  At this point, my hope is that once i can get straightened out, or at least find out what's going on, then i can start working on getting something set up and done.  ---Too many things on my mind/heart at one time.

i still don't know how safe Gabe is, living with his father and grandfather, especially since Anthony is still using.   *sigh  i really don't know what they expect from me.  i'm struggling to keep going, as it is, and when i couldn't get Anthony on the phone, of course i was concerned.  It was almost a three hour drive, but i found them.  Gabe is a sweetheart, but has waaaaaaaaaayyy too much going on with the toy guns and so forth.  He kept pointing them at me, and i would not play, so he finally gave up....(i have a hard enough time dealing with guns, as it is, but even a toy gun, pointed at the face?  What is this teaching kids these days?  More numbness?  They just aren't supposed to care?  What is it???)  i'm having trouble grasping what is supposed to be truth and not.  i took Anthony outside for a bit, so we could talk privately.  He comes off as understanding and like he really wants to do what's best for Gabe, etc.  But, he still has not texted me, called me or contacted me in any other way.  As i made sure they understood before i left:  i only want to help.  After all, Gabe is my daughter's son--the last living part of her.  i've texted Anthony's father, a couple times, since Anthony doesn't have a phone for now.  *sigh  i still don't think they're being straight with me.  It worries me so much, especially since Gabe is supposed to start school in the fall, and i don't think Anthony's done anything to get him ready.