Carols, funny Christmas songs...all of it, everyone of them brings flashes from the past, as well as knowing those Christmas's that will never be.   I am tired all of the time, the "why bothers" run things, the "who cares". The depression I already deal with is in a space that I have never really experienced before.  Can't sleep, and I have flashes of her last moments with me, my screaming on the inside for her to keep breathing, to keep fighting; knowing full well that she was tired, that her fight was over, and that it was ME that wasn't ready to stop fighting, ME who wanted her to carry on...I wasn't ready for her to give up or to let go.

I don't know what to do with all this stuff that is swirling around my head and my heart!