It has been 17 days since my baby boy went to heaven. Where do I go from here? I have joined every online support group possible. I am currently reading 4 books to help me with the grieving process. I have gone through boxes of kleenex. I have received more than 15 bouquets of flowers and plants, over 30 sympathy cards and I still don't know where to go from here. Who said there is a standard grieving process? I have been called by several family members trying to console me, calls from friends to see if I'm ok. There's nothing wrong with me. I am grieving the death of my son. That is normal right? for how long? Why should people feel they need to rush the process? I am hurt, sad, angry! The question " why did this happen to me, to my baby? How could this happen to someone who prays and goes to church and has been a good person?" has come in my head every single day since Jacob died. The entire time from the moment I was admitted to the hospital to the moment my son died I never questioned God and never doubted my Faith. but things have changed and My Faith has been tested over and over and I feel like it is as thin as dental floss.

I cry myself to sleep holding on to Jakey's blanket. I go over the entire pregnancy in my head wondering if the Motrin I took at the beginning of the pregnancy did something to make the amniotic sac rupture, did I bend too much, did I drink too much caffeine, did I not take enough vitamins? I know deep down none of these things caused it. It was something that just happened. I was healthy and so was my husband. There were no genetic problems between us and my first two daughters were full term with no complications. So why did this happen to me and why did this happen to my baby? Only God can answer that. I can only continue to grieve my son day to day and hope that as time goes by I learn to deal with his death and be able to look at his pictures and videos without having to take a sedative.