Michael, where are you? Why can't I feel you around me anymore? I want to believe you made it to Heaven and maybe that's why I don't feel you near. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore except the pain in my chest is going to eventually kill me. I alternate between wanting to kill myself and feeling guilty for thinking I know better than God.

It's 49 days today since you passed. Days of confusion, pain, lonliness, grief and an agony that I never knew existed.

I loved you the best I knew how and you made me a better person. There were moments in our relationship that caused me pain and  yet my love was stronger and I hung on to that. You told me once that you wanted to become the man that I deserved. I think you were that and so much more. I saw real pain in your face when you realized how you had hurt me and I knew you wouldn't hurt me again. That was in March of this year and we were on our way to fixing us. We had reached a place together and I fell in love with you all over again. Did you feel the same?

After all the years together, through hard times, times when I was lonely even though you were sleeping next to me every night, times of doubt - you remained the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You were the one that I wanted to work side by side with to make our dreams come true. Twelve  years ago you asked me to move in with you after knowing me only a short time. You wanted me and my 2 kids to move in with you and your 2 kids and have an amazing life together. You said, "just think what an incredible love story we can tell our grandchildren one day." Now I am left to tell the story all alone.