What should it been the Biggest Celebration has turned into moments of nervousness, anxiety, despair, sadness, but joyful too. My son will turn 2 this Friday, September 16, 2011. I also feel guilty, as a bad mother for not having that excitement in me for my son. He has already lost so much that it is so unfair for him for me to feel this way. My husband loved my son so very, very, much. Last year, we had a blowout celebration, we went all on it. My son was his "pride and joy" how cant we not celebrate his life. Now, as that day is approaching,  and know that my husband is not here, hurts so very much. He has to be here and celebrate with us. He cant be gone. I am fearful of breaking down, relapsing, how am i going to take this?.. I am so afraid of reality kicking in....This is i guess the first major date to come since my husband passing. How do I comfront my "new"reality? I CANNOT do that, not yet. Now there is only, my son and me. We are no longer a "trio", its just the "two" of us. I love my son so much that at nights, I hug him very strong and hold on to him, and then realize that my right side of the bed, there is a space empty. My husband is not there with us. I am not in the middle anymore, as I use to be, when my son will sleep with us in the bed. It is just my son and I. I try to be strong and not allow my son to see my down and cry but there are times that I cannot hold on and cry out. I talk to my son and tell him, "mommy loves you and is trying to be strong and care for you very much, I am sorry for crying sometimes, but its because I miss Daddy so much as you do too".